What is fun and who is responsible ?

 

FUN

Ok so I was initially triggered this morning. Was in shower and Steve was feeling tired and flat and mentioned he needs some fun in his life.

I then asked him “what sort of fun do you want?” and his reply was mirrored back to me “what sort of fun do you like?”

At first I was really annoyed and frustrated that he just turned it around and didn’t even answer me . I then went into feeling lesser than and thinking ‘I’m not fun!’ and ruminated over what sort of fun life he must have had, with his parents on holidays and his adult life before me and then I really felt lesser than . But then I started the think – wait -hang on. We are all responsible for our own fun. We will all have different ideas of fun. And I realised how in the past I used to go on and on about not having fun and I was projecting. As in, I was throwing that at him to imply he was not making me have fun. And that was wrong of me. If I want fun, I need to make fun with me first and foremost. I need to feel happy with me and explore and find things in life that I find fun. Open my mind. I can see my whole life I have been so in my head that I haven’t had the chance to be open to fun. So I am going to start exploring it now. I am curious what people find as fun. And what brings them joy . I do feel enlightened a bit more about this because I have stopped myself from feeling joy and fun in the past and I don’t want that to happen anymore. I want to be open to FUN AND JOY and that means it starts with me first.

Jealousy, feeling picked on and not feeling valued for the person you are

We  have all seen those relationships where the couples are beyond respectful, appreciative, and loving with each other.

The genuine 'like' they have for each other quite clearly shines through. There is a calmness, an assuredness and peacefulness that envelopes them in their social interactions. I cant say "in their private interactions" because we aren't there to see.

So, unless that they are one of those couples that cause us to gasp 5-10 years later when they announce they are divorcing and we exclaim "WOW, but they were the perfect couple" because unbeknownst to us it was all a lie, then they are the couple that we see celebrating their 50th Anniversary.

So in our illusions of their said perfections, it is easy to ignore and overlook what the 50th Anniversary couples honestly admit, it was a roller coaster 50 years and some years were very hard.

So in my quests to marvel at those 'perfect' couples I have inadvertently answered my own question of how the hell do some couples get to be so perfect? The answer is... it very possibly it is not real. And if it is, boy of boy, they have some real crackers come up in their relationship.

So what are those real crackers?

Jealousy- now that is quite the cracker and something some feel, and yet some don't. Society deems it unacceptable and if you feel that tug of jealousy, you are expected to reign it in and act appropriately. But that monster seems to have a mind of its own for some and deeply entrenched insecurity buttons get solidly pushed at the mere threat of their partner abandoning them. Healthy couples may have experienced it but there seems to be a level of trust that is developed between them that seems to knock down any fears that may come up. .

This is where at the early stages of a healthy relationship, couples exhibit behaviour that leads the other person to feeling valued, wanted and not feeling picked on in a relationship.

Or for others, you can either be the bully or be bullied but either one will sooner or later feel that the relationship they are in is no longer fulfilling their needs and will either in an unhealthy state look to others for a source of comfort and value or in a healthy state, look to communicating and if addressing the issue is not resolved, will end the relationship.

And in this day and age, with the lack of skills that people have with conflict resolution, not many people get to that 50  Year Anniversary.

Sad, but its a fact !!!

  

His Queen will honor and cherish him

She crossed over a thousand seas
And filled great men with lust
Her fiery form and guarded soul allowed not a scaric of trust
Honey words and fumbling deeds left her discontent
For fools words flow like water falls
Like precious money spent

Passion and pride ignites her core and drives her to conquer the unknown
With armour of steel and weapons so vast
There is no opportunity for men to repent

On foot he came
No horse or sword
Hands of tenderness
With not a word to spare
With a look and a touch he made her pause
And challenged her to dare

The hand extended
Gently across
To remove the hair from her eyes
To give her hope and feel the joy
And see how a true man flies

The honey flowed not from his mouth
But his tongue and finger tips
His actions bought her to her knees like empty words never did

Her soul opened like a bud
from his respect and honesty
She was a queen at his feet
The weapons and fear fell from her heart
and were layed down in defeat

This man became her king
not for all the wars and women he conquered
But for all the tenderness and compassion he bestowed
And the crown of respect he gave her

Her body no longer became a drug to seduce the ignorant and blind
But a temple with treasures and a pool of warmth
It became the Kings greatest find

For a trusting heart and a valued soul rewards the king with much
His Queen will honor and cherish him
Because all that counts is such

What the hell just happened. WARNING Graphic feelings expressed

I sat in my lounge room tonight, an anxious, jittery, rejected mess.

My son walks out and suddenly I am sobbing like a child. I am beside myself. The epitome of a broken woman, fallen apart, destroyed by rejection and feelings. My son tries to console me, in fact, he hasn't been this attentive in what... a year, maybe 2 years. But I am irrational, inconsolable. He applies logic, my brain agrees, but my self esteem and my fear have taken over this show. They are in charge. They are making an absolute fool of me.

Why ?

What could leave this mature, independent woman falling apart?

1 simple text message.

I sent 1 message to a guy I have been dating for 6 weeks. Yup, only 6 weeks, could be 7 but lets just say 6 cause it makes this story even more tragic. 

I sent a text message hours ago to the guy I was dating that is moving interstate in 2 weeks. 

"how are you feeling hun?"

Hours and hours I'm waiting, checked my phone for a flashing light, and nothing. I picked up my phone at least a dozen times, nothing. As the time wore on, I became uneasy and was feeling more and more rejected. My head went into over drive. My negative self talk went into top gear "he is on tinder again, he is talking to someone else, he is no longer even at a point where he respects me enough to answer me, why couldn't he tell me he was done and ready to move on, why didn't he just talk to me, why did he have to end it this way, all our time together was perfect, whats wrong with me"

Yup I was winding myself up good and proper. 

My son walked in to me listening to this and reading this - I try anything to calm down and be rational again. 

He looks at what I am reading and says " Mum, people don't usually reply because they are busy doing something else, its not because its the persons fault". And he went on to try and help me get over my deep feeling of rejection. I couldn't stop crying. The dogs were looking at me with worried looks on their faces, my son was being so sweet and caring, but I felt so sad. This went on for at least 10 mins, I said " I hate being a grown up" whilst acting like a child. I said "don't fall in love" only to be told , "mum maybe you should stop dating"

On and on went woeful me. I even picked up the phone to show him the simple message I sent the guy. "see son look at ..... OH SHIT"

OH MY GOD, the message hadn't sent. 

We looked at each other, I looked at my sanity. OH MY GOD.  I just spent hours, crying about, reading about, thinking about why HE DIDN'T REPLY.

And most of the advice said... GET A LIFE, get over it, do something. Don't take it personally. Its not about you. He may need some space, he may be busy, he just may have a flat phone.

Or maybe, maybe, you just DIDN'T send the bloody message.

So whats the moral of my story? Well there are a few. Firstly the big one here is perception seems to be 9 /10ths of the law.

Here I thought Id sent a message and I didn't get a reply. I thought I was being rejected. I thought I knew what he was thinking. I thought I wasn't worthy. 

And quite simply I didn't even send the message and all those thoughts were wrong. And yet I believed them to the point that I felt sick, I felt unworthy, I was upset, distracted, unrelaxed and sad.

I had lost the ability to keep my shit together. In just 6 weeks, I lost my ability to believe in myself and my own worth.

But how did this happen ?

True story. I didn't follow a very wise dating plan - the 6 date rule I used a few times. I allowed my self to become intimate and attached after the second date. And by doing that, I lost the ability to be objective.

I failed to see that 1. This guy was not suitable for me 2. This guy was only 2.5 months out of a relationship so emotionally very very wounded 3. Then this guy gets a job interstate so the romance was short lived. 4. He indicated early on he wouldn't consider me for a long term relationship 5. He threw strong feeling words around very early on 6. He resembled a love addict.7. although he said I was preety alot, he never really asked about me or my life. 

Ive been crazy in love, Ive been madly in love, Ive had successful love and long term love. But now in my life, I have to be careful in love. I have to not allow intimacy to cloud my judgement. I need to get to know someone before I rush in and let my feelings out. Because at 20, you brush them off. But at 46, they really really cloud your judgement and you can lose the ability to be practical and sensible. 

So, yes of course I re learnt and was bluntly reminded that as an emotional feeling woman, it isn't smart for me to do anything other than follow a Dating plan in future and perhaps apply the 6 date rule.

Amen Sister. 

Maintaining self ... through fear and doubt

Sleep deprived, adrenaline depleted and hungover - the perfect invitation for the FEAR monster to enter my head.

Intellectually, I absolutely understand and believe in the concept that I as an individual must never waver from belief in myself, in being myself and not backing away from that. In having a strong conviction in who I am and in my gifts.

But put someone in front of me where I let my walls down with and allow myself to feel, then suddenly up POPS the invitation to the FEAR monster. And in it waltzes to me head.

Today it waltzed on in and made itself right at home, fortunately this time I went to my tool box and pulled out the reality check list.

1. Understanding I am hungover, tired and extremely exhausted from some beautiful amazing emotional stimulation
2. I could see I allowed myself to feel hope, feelings and an expectation
3. I could see myself over think and over worry

So I picked up the phone and called my mother and she gave me some great advice. "Don't stop what you are doing" she said. "continue to enjoy your life, enjoy meeting new people and getting to know yourself around other people"

And then another call came in at the same time, friends inviting me to coffee. Suddenly a few shifts in my head allowed the direction of my thoughts to change. I was able to share my fear with my mum and friends and they all came back with the same advice. .."OWN IT"

Own the moment, rejoice in who I am, in my openness, my affection, my loving, my joy for life, my gratitude.

Don't fear who I am. Don't change what feels good and don't fear what I may have or have not done in error. Just accept and look forward smiling.

So today I sat here and panicked. I've spent this weekend opening myself up to a lovely man and suddenly we are both feeling feelings and I am panicking. I allowed myself to panic about....

Hang on .. about what ? Why am I feeling fear, why have I allowed the Fear Monster to just strut right into my head.??

It is time I sat here and said - that was lovely this weekend, but today is Sunday, Coffee with friends was lovely and sitting here with my dogs is lovely and having my mum come visit is going to be lovely and life is lovely.

And I am lovely.I am lovely. I am warm, loving, affectionate, youthful, spontaneous, beautiful, blessed with a beautiful family, dogs, friends, animals, home, job. I am a very special woman, and I am a gift and blessing to those that have me in their life.

I know what I want, I know what my year needs and my life needs. It needs me to OWN my own head and not invite or allow the Fear monster in my head. So this story is for anyone that forgets to do this. Who experiences that monster. Take charge, take positive affirmations and assert them. And look around you,  there is love for you everywhere. Let it in and have faith.It is hard, just don't give up.

Never lose yourself in a relationship

See these hands?
Can you see how skinny they are?
They are the sign of exactly 11 months of anxiety

These are the hands that wrote And then what happened |Day 10-
Once, I let someone make me so anxious, so sick, so sad that I lost weight, I lost a bit of sanity and I lost myself.

The journey back to myself.
Where 20 years of mistakes finally caught up with me. I felt deep grief. I let go of alot of pain.

It takes alot of work to get to half the place I am now and it is going to take alot more work to get to a place I want to be.

Cause and Effect

25.01.16

On my recovery journey, I have to wake up each day knowing that I am not at the top of the 'Recovery Class'

My addictions arent bat shit crazy enough and I continue to potter along as a functioning addict.

Sounds great... but it is very ho hum non progressive.

In fact, it is downright frustrating.

Sure, yes, aha I have definately grown within myself the last 3 and a half years. But when I see such a wonderful level of sobriety in other people, I could kick myself.

But then I get feedback from these 'sober' people and I hear alot of them tell me they wish they had my confidence, my vitality and my ability to go out into the world and just discover.