I have just spent the weekend in bed,
AH I bet you thought I was with a man. No in fact, I was on my own, well not alone if you count all my fury critters. They are bigger bed hogs then any man will ever be.
No, I was in bed sick AGAIN. Something about relationship withdrawal makes you sick. I dont know why. Because I personally find it to be great NOT to be in a relationship.
This is my first concious UNCOUPLING period since - gosh in at least 20 years. There are a few loves in those 20 years that I do need to mourn:
The father of my children, the love of my life, the poet that wasnt ready for love and the effiecient German that didnt know the meaning of emeshed.
Its been a good 3 months, but I seem to have been sick for most of it. For crying out loud. I thought if I was going to be single, I would be carefree and free. They say that grief comes out in different forms. My grief comes out in phlem, vomit and xx .Well you dont need to know the gory details.
I didnt think I needed to mourn the father of my children. But now I do. I had quick glimpe at old family videos at home today. Yes I finally let a TV into my living room and pulled out the old videos. And there before me was my little family, my 2 oldest children as babies with me and their dad.
And I gave that away. I gave it away .. the family, the chef husband. The all day and all night never home husband. Oops forgot about that. But after talking to him today about our children, I found it so nice to talk to their other parent. It is just so nice to be unconditional about your kids witih someone else. They love as much as me, forgive , accept and just .. If you are a parent , you know what I mean. So yes, I mourn that. If he could have been the love of my life and we clicked forever, I would be back with him in a heart beat. But... he has a wife now. 2 obstacles.
Then there is the love of my life. The man that lit me up. The man I had been with for the longest years. Gosh I adored him. We did the impossible. We blended 2 families and moved in together. Well that was 4 years into our relationship. BIG MISTAKE. Hot tip. Blended families rarely work. You see the first 4 years we lived across the road from each other. That was perfect. He had his home, space, rules, time with his kids, I had mine. Then we got blurry eyes, blurry brained and where ill equiped to take on 6 acres and 5 children. It was a slow torturous death. Throw in 2 heart attacks, a bypass surgery, and 2 ppl with depression, anxiety and love addiction and an egg thrown against a wall wasnt messier.
Needless to say it ended. And off I went again, within a few months, straight into the arms of a beatiful soul. But a troubled soul. A dear heart with so much love to give, but forgot to love himself and know how to accept love without the fear that will kill anything. We tried OH we tried so hard, years of trying. Trust me. So so hard to let go a man that can let you be yourself, that thinks you are wonderful being you, thinks your beautiful, brave and capable of anything. But when they are so tortured by the very person they love, you can only set them free.
And finally the guy from GERMANY. Funny I should refer to him as that. Being that I am half German myself. But my mum warned me about German men. She cant stand them. After she left Germany, she said she never EVER wanted to be with a german man. I didnt understand what she meant. She never gave me details. All I know is this German man was HARD work. Not in the usual sense. Gosh he was awfully punctual in the most wonderful way. I loved the way he would message me before he left home to come visit me, he would call every night like clock work ( the best 5 minutes of my day hahah), what he offered at the beginning of the relationship never wavered and he worked extrodinariloy well within boundaries. But COLD. Oh my, I have never been with such an emotionally cold man before. To not want to kiss, and cuddle and giggle and have fun. To go on a holiday to a tropical destination and not even look at me in a bikini with lust in his eyes.
His idea of a good time in bed was watching You Tube videos together. Dont get me wrong. I love that .... but there is a time and a place. His idea of New Years Eve celebrations is to read and reply to his ex wifes text messages. I cant explain why I spent 11 months of my life with this man, it may be because I genuinly did like him for all his quirkyness. I like him alot. He was interesting and he challenged me. He challenged my mind. He would have been a great friend to have. I realised how much I liked him when I ended it. I mourned in a very healthy way. There was something a bit niave about him that was endearing but then that same niavity was either a lie or he was downright thick. Because he didnt realise when a woman was playing him. Or maybe he did. And he liked it. But I didnt want to be in that orchestra. I want my man to be focussed 100% on his kids and 100% on me. He has 2 eyes after all. One for each ;)
And no eyes on the ex wife ! I dont share. AT ALL. And I love my man to love me in a very affectionate physical way.
Any ways, needless to say I walked and didnt look back. Except for reference learning.
So tonight I am happily hanging at home with my real loves, the unconditional, emotional, cuddly, adorable, loyal and loving animals in my life. Apart from picking up a bug from my travels last week, I am super content and happy. And thats what led me to write my blog tonight.
I am super happy. I feel so good. Content and happy and dicovering myself. I have read 5 books in 2 weeks, I just had a great holiday with my kids, they are happy, I have a great relationship with my kids dad, I have a great job, and most importantly a great family. The last thing I would want is a relationship. I am content to start unwrapping the grief, toy with it, look at it and flick it.. Once I feel better, off Ill go. Back to walking, back to sewing. Back to step one in going out for coffess and movies and hanging out.
So yer back to writing this. Tonight I was flicking through my emails, deleting junk and then I came across the most riculous email.
I understand. Life is fine right now. Men just complicate things. And if you don’t get emotionally involved with them, then nothing bad can happen to you.
I don’t judge you if you’d rather be alone than to risk getting hurt again.
How could I? You’ve already got your wish.
You’re alone, but at least you’re not getting hurt. It’s safe solitude. No risk, but also no reward.
Alas, there ARE some major rewards from being in love.
Have you forgotten what it’s like...
Having a man wake up next do you.
Having a man surprise you with a weekend away.
Having a man comfort you after a hard day at work.
Having a man make you laugh until your sides split.
Having a man provide you with love, support, and constant companionship.
And sex! Don’t forget about sex with a man you love!
This is what you miss when you decide to be alone rather than pursuing love.
If you don’t put yourself out there, if you don’t learn to understand men, if you just leave things the way they are now, nothing is going to change.
I promise you.
You’ll read my emails and your love life will be the same.
That’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with being single
NO there is nothing wrong with being single, but seriously .....
Have you forgotten what it’s like...
Having a man wake up next do you.
Having a man surprise you with a weekend away.
Having a man comfort you after a hard day at work.
Having a man make you laugh until your sides split.
Having a man provide you with love, support, and constant companionship.
My husband always fell asleep on the couch watching TV, none of them took me on weekends away, I had to do that with girlfriends, Comfort after a hard day at work - ha~ are you kidding me. I had to cook dinner. Laugh, nothing funny about the Man of the house not even finishing building the house and love support and constant companionship........ my dogs do a better job.
So nothing is going to change I hear this man, (yes it was a man writing this email) saying. GOOD. I dont want my life to change.
Because I am perfectly happy being single. Thank you very much.
But thanks for the giggle !!!!
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