What is fun and who is responsible ?

 

FUN

Ok so I was initially triggered this morning. Was in shower and Steve was feeling tired and flat and mentioned he needs some fun in his life.

I then asked him “what sort of fun do you want?” and his reply was mirrored back to me “what sort of fun do you like?”

At first I was really annoyed and frustrated that he just turned it around and didn’t even answer me . I then went into feeling lesser than and thinking ‘I’m not fun!’ and ruminated over what sort of fun life he must have had, with his parents on holidays and his adult life before me and then I really felt lesser than . But then I started the think – wait -hang on. We are all responsible for our own fun. We will all have different ideas of fun. And I realised how in the past I used to go on and on about not having fun and I was projecting. As in, I was throwing that at him to imply he was not making me have fun. And that was wrong of me. If I want fun, I need to make fun with me first and foremost. I need to feel happy with me and explore and find things in life that I find fun. Open my mind. I can see my whole life I have been so in my head that I haven’t had the chance to be open to fun. So I am going to start exploring it now. I am curious what people find as fun. And what brings them joy . I do feel enlightened a bit more about this because I have stopped myself from feeling joy and fun in the past and I don’t want that to happen anymore. I want to be open to FUN AND JOY and that means it starts with me first.

Jealousy, feeling picked on and not feeling valued for the person you are

We  have all seen those relationships where the couples are beyond respectful, appreciative, and loving with each other.

The genuine 'like' they have for each other quite clearly shines through. There is a calmness, an assuredness and peacefulness that envelopes them in their social interactions. I cant say "in their private interactions" because we aren't there to see.

So, unless that they are one of those couples that cause us to gasp 5-10 years later when they announce they are divorcing and we exclaim "WOW, but they were the perfect couple" because unbeknownst to us it was all a lie, then they are the couple that we see celebrating their 50th Anniversary.

So in our illusions of their said perfections, it is easy to ignore and overlook what the 50th Anniversary couples honestly admit, it was a roller coaster 50 years and some years were very hard.

So in my quests to marvel at those 'perfect' couples I have inadvertently answered my own question of how the hell do some couples get to be so perfect? The answer is... it very possibly it is not real. And if it is, boy of boy, they have some real crackers come up in their relationship.

So what are those real crackers?

Jealousy- now that is quite the cracker and something some feel, and yet some don't. Society deems it unacceptable and if you feel that tug of jealousy, you are expected to reign it in and act appropriately. But that monster seems to have a mind of its own for some and deeply entrenched insecurity buttons get solidly pushed at the mere threat of their partner abandoning them. Healthy couples may have experienced it but there seems to be a level of trust that is developed between them that seems to knock down any fears that may come up. .

This is where at the early stages of a healthy relationship, couples exhibit behaviour that leads the other person to feeling valued, wanted and not feeling picked on in a relationship.

Or for others, you can either be the bully or be bullied but either one will sooner or later feel that the relationship they are in is no longer fulfilling their needs and will either in an unhealthy state look to others for a source of comfort and value or in a healthy state, look to communicating and if addressing the issue is not resolved, will end the relationship.

And in this day and age, with the lack of skills that people have with conflict resolution, not many people get to that 50  Year Anniversary.

Sad, but its a fact !!!

  

His Queen will honor and cherish him

She crossed over a thousand seas
And filled great men with lust
Her fiery form and guarded soul allowed not a scaric of trust
Honey words and fumbling deeds left her discontent
For fools words flow like water falls
Like precious money spent

Passion and pride ignites her core and drives her to conquer the unknown
With armour of steel and weapons so vast
There is no opportunity for men to repent

On foot he came
No horse or sword
Hands of tenderness
With not a word to spare
With a look and a touch he made her pause
And challenged her to dare

The hand extended
Gently across
To remove the hair from her eyes
To give her hope and feel the joy
And see how a true man flies

The honey flowed not from his mouth
But his tongue and finger tips
His actions bought her to her knees like empty words never did

Her soul opened like a bud
from his respect and honesty
She was a queen at his feet
The weapons and fear fell from her heart
and were layed down in defeat

This man became her king
not for all the wars and women he conquered
But for all the tenderness and compassion he bestowed
And the crown of respect he gave her

Her body no longer became a drug to seduce the ignorant and blind
But a temple with treasures and a pool of warmth
It became the Kings greatest find

For a trusting heart and a valued soul rewards the king with much
His Queen will honor and cherish him
Because all that counts is such

What the hell just happened. WARNING Graphic feelings expressed

I sat in my lounge room tonight, an anxious, jittery, rejected mess.

My son walks out and suddenly I am sobbing like a child. I am beside myself. The epitome of a broken woman, fallen apart, destroyed by rejection and feelings. My son tries to console me, in fact, he hasn't been this attentive in what... a year, maybe 2 years. But I am irrational, inconsolable. He applies logic, my brain agrees, but my self esteem and my fear have taken over this show. They are in charge. They are making an absolute fool of me.

Why ?

What could leave this mature, independent woman falling apart?

1 simple text message.

I sent 1 message to a guy I have been dating for 6 weeks. Yup, only 6 weeks, could be 7 but lets just say 6 cause it makes this story even more tragic. 

I sent a text message hours ago to the guy I was dating that is moving interstate in 2 weeks. 

"how are you feeling hun?"

Hours and hours I'm waiting, checked my phone for a flashing light, and nothing. I picked up my phone at least a dozen times, nothing. As the time wore on, I became uneasy and was feeling more and more rejected. My head went into over drive. My negative self talk went into top gear "he is on tinder again, he is talking to someone else, he is no longer even at a point where he respects me enough to answer me, why couldn't he tell me he was done and ready to move on, why didn't he just talk to me, why did he have to end it this way, all our time together was perfect, whats wrong with me"

Yup I was winding myself up good and proper. 

My son walked in to me listening to this and reading this - I try anything to calm down and be rational again. 

He looks at what I am reading and says " Mum, people don't usually reply because they are busy doing something else, its not because its the persons fault". And he went on to try and help me get over my deep feeling of rejection. I couldn't stop crying. The dogs were looking at me with worried looks on their faces, my son was being so sweet and caring, but I felt so sad. This went on for at least 10 mins, I said " I hate being a grown up" whilst acting like a child. I said "don't fall in love" only to be told , "mum maybe you should stop dating"

On and on went woeful me. I even picked up the phone to show him the simple message I sent the guy. "see son look at ..... OH SHIT"

OH MY GOD, the message hadn't sent. 

We looked at each other, I looked at my sanity. OH MY GOD.  I just spent hours, crying about, reading about, thinking about why HE DIDN'T REPLY.

And most of the advice said... GET A LIFE, get over it, do something. Don't take it personally. Its not about you. He may need some space, he may be busy, he just may have a flat phone.

Or maybe, maybe, you just DIDN'T send the bloody message.

So whats the moral of my story? Well there are a few. Firstly the big one here is perception seems to be 9 /10ths of the law.

Here I thought Id sent a message and I didn't get a reply. I thought I was being rejected. I thought I knew what he was thinking. I thought I wasn't worthy. 

And quite simply I didn't even send the message and all those thoughts were wrong. And yet I believed them to the point that I felt sick, I felt unworthy, I was upset, distracted, unrelaxed and sad.

I had lost the ability to keep my shit together. In just 6 weeks, I lost my ability to believe in myself and my own worth.

But how did this happen ?

True story. I didn't follow a very wise dating plan - the 6 date rule I used a few times. I allowed my self to become intimate and attached after the second date. And by doing that, I lost the ability to be objective.

I failed to see that 1. This guy was not suitable for me 2. This guy was only 2.5 months out of a relationship so emotionally very very wounded 3. Then this guy gets a job interstate so the romance was short lived. 4. He indicated early on he wouldn't consider me for a long term relationship 5. He threw strong feeling words around very early on 6. He resembled a love addict.7. although he said I was preety alot, he never really asked about me or my life. 

Ive been crazy in love, Ive been madly in love, Ive had successful love and long term love. But now in my life, I have to be careful in love. I have to not allow intimacy to cloud my judgement. I need to get to know someone before I rush in and let my feelings out. Because at 20, you brush them off. But at 46, they really really cloud your judgement and you can lose the ability to be practical and sensible. 

So, yes of course I re learnt and was bluntly reminded that as an emotional feeling woman, it isn't smart for me to do anything other than follow a Dating plan in future and perhaps apply the 6 date rule.

Amen Sister. 

Maintaining self ... through fear and doubt

Sleep deprived, adrenaline depleted and hungover - the perfect invitation for the FEAR monster to enter my head.

Intellectually, I absolutely understand and believe in the concept that I as an individual must never waver from belief in myself, in being myself and not backing away from that. In having a strong conviction in who I am and in my gifts.

But put someone in front of me where I let my walls down with and allow myself to feel, then suddenly up POPS the invitation to the FEAR monster. And in it waltzes to me head.

Today it waltzed on in and made itself right at home, fortunately this time I went to my tool box and pulled out the reality check list.

1. Understanding I am hungover, tired and extremely exhausted from some beautiful amazing emotional stimulation
2. I could see I allowed myself to feel hope, feelings and an expectation
3. I could see myself over think and over worry

So I picked up the phone and called my mother and she gave me some great advice. "Don't stop what you are doing" she said. "continue to enjoy your life, enjoy meeting new people and getting to know yourself around other people"

And then another call came in at the same time, friends inviting me to coffee. Suddenly a few shifts in my head allowed the direction of my thoughts to change. I was able to share my fear with my mum and friends and they all came back with the same advice. .."OWN IT"

Own the moment, rejoice in who I am, in my openness, my affection, my loving, my joy for life, my gratitude.

Don't fear who I am. Don't change what feels good and don't fear what I may have or have not done in error. Just accept and look forward smiling.

So today I sat here and panicked. I've spent this weekend opening myself up to a lovely man and suddenly we are both feeling feelings and I am panicking. I allowed myself to panic about....

Hang on .. about what ? Why am I feeling fear, why have I allowed the Fear Monster to just strut right into my head.??

It is time I sat here and said - that was lovely this weekend, but today is Sunday, Coffee with friends was lovely and sitting here with my dogs is lovely and having my mum come visit is going to be lovely and life is lovely.

And I am lovely.I am lovely. I am warm, loving, affectionate, youthful, spontaneous, beautiful, blessed with a beautiful family, dogs, friends, animals, home, job. I am a very special woman, and I am a gift and blessing to those that have me in their life.

I know what I want, I know what my year needs and my life needs. It needs me to OWN my own head and not invite or allow the Fear monster in my head. So this story is for anyone that forgets to do this. Who experiences that monster. Take charge, take positive affirmations and assert them. And look around you,  there is love for you everywhere. Let it in and have faith.It is hard, just don't give up.

Never lose yourself in a relationship

See these hands?
Can you see how skinny they are?
They are the sign of exactly 11 months of anxiety

These are the hands that wrote And then what happened |Day 10-
Once, I let someone make me so anxious, so sick, so sad that I lost weight, I lost a bit of sanity and I lost myself.

The journey back to myself.
Where 20 years of mistakes finally caught up with me. I felt deep grief. I let go of alot of pain.

It takes alot of work to get to half the place I am now and it is going to take alot more work to get to a place I want to be.

Cause and Effect

25.01.16

On my recovery journey, I have to wake up each day knowing that I am not at the top of the 'Recovery Class'

My addictions arent bat shit crazy enough and I continue to potter along as a functioning addict.

Sounds great... but it is very ho hum non progressive.

In fact, it is downright frustrating.

Sure, yes, aha I have definately grown within myself the last 3 and a half years. But when I see such a wonderful level of sobriety in other people, I could kick myself.

But then I get feedback from these 'sober' people and I hear alot of them tell me they wish they had my confidence, my vitality and my ability to go out into the world and just discover.

Cause and Effect

25th January 2016
Here I sit.
And if I really wanted to, I could look, watch and listen.
I can see an action made by a person and I can come to a judgement.
No facts. No details. Just what I see.
Simple.
Easy.
Humans do it all the time.
They judge someone's actions.
But here in lies the question......are people happy to be ignorant of the big picture and form a judgement on their narrow view of someone's actions?
Do I want to be that person? Do I do it ? Perhaps... don't we all ?

Examples....

Woman Cheats on Husband

Mother screams at child and virtually has a nervous break down

Woman with 3 young children leaves husband

Man moves to another state after marriage break up leaving 3 young children

Woman admits herself to hospital after an emotionally barren relationship

Woman becomes needy and clingy in a relationship

Woman signs up to online dating. Meets men and has one night stands

Woman turns in to raving lunatic when ex wife of current partner appears at residence

So many stories, so many opportunities for judgement.

SINGLE LIFE/ DATING FACT : According to WP

Being single can either be life enriching or soul destroying. It depends on YOU. Today I embrace being single because I view every date as a discovery about myself and mankind. Every person educates me and some enthral me. 

Being single at 45 is way more enriching, exciting and fun than being single at 20. Meeting (note: meeting does not mean shagging) new people and learning to engage with the opposite sex is enlightening and eye opening.

Life is about growing and learning and it's a wonderful experience to be able to say " Hello world, this is me. Nice to meet you. Share with me laughter, fun and adventure"

Personally, I do have moments of doubt, as we all do that someone suddenly doesn't or we think that someone won't message back. Or want to see us again. They are the ones that you actually did find interesting. attractive or different.

And sometimes they don't. And the best thing to do is take what you learnt and leave the rest.

The doubt, the worry, the recycling of conversations and where it went wrong.

Take it on board. 

Going out into the dating world in this day and age is different. There is a whole new set of 'care factor' rules. Where you don't invest too much emotion, display the perfect amount of interest and say what is confident and individual whilst managing to say exactly what they want to hear.

It's a tough game of respect yourself, get what you want and need for your self and yet gather some respect and interest from other people.

It really is a your rules game. And the best rules to have is to look at it all as another opportunity to rise above it all & make sure you maintain balance with all the things in your life.

Dating a normy! And not settling

December 2015 and it  is exciting times. 

I am super excited about life as it is now, I am comfortable about not looking back and happy to look forward. I had an epiphany realising the 2 men I dated since my marriage breakup 3 years ago where emotionally damaged alcoholics.

So now I am ready to meet a man who isn't impacted by an addiction.

I can love both of these men for the unique amazing men that they are and walk away without any regrets, a heavy heart and bitterness.

I let them both go whole heartedly with love.

So 2 weeks ago I started on line dating. And what a revelation. There are ALOT of really lovely mis understood men and women out there. The men think the women are nuts and the women think the men only want 1 thing. I hear time and time again, "you sound normal". And it really makes me wonder what the hell is going on out there. Is there honesty, is fear driving people to not be true to themselves and what they honestly want. Do people really understand themselves and respect themselves enough to put out there what they really want and not budge. To maintain boundaries with dignity and respect? The fun thing is I am starting to ask people, what is it you are struggling with, with women. What do you say to them ? At what point do they freak out and go weird? Is it simple misunderstandings ? I find it all a bit fascinating actually.

It has taken alot of growth over the last 3 years to discover a few things about myself. And to be comfortable with it.

1. I find people viewing me and commenting on me from a sexual angle, incredibly dis respectful, insulting and intolerable. And I am happy to disregard them or remove them from contact with no self doubt.

2. I have a youth about me that is obvious to alot of people

3. I am comfortable with my looks, my body and who I am as a person

4. I am alot calmer within my self now and it is apparent to other people. In fact, it is mentioned alot and I am really really happy with it.

5. I have a real sense of calm in what will be will be.  I feel no need to chase anything or anyone, just merely to acknowledge enthusiasm and interest.

6. I will not chase friendships. I will make an initial effort and if I don't feel it reciprocated or respected, then I will walk away. With no regrets.

I read my recent post about putting it out there what I want and I know now I will even go to the point of being very honest and clear what my expectations are with any man that "says" they want to spend time with me.

I will not rush into any commitment like I did in the past, I feel no pressure to select only one person immediately and I am happy to meet up with a number of people until I have made my decision. I will not settle with anyone that does not meet all that I have listed on the previous blog. If they really value and want me, then I need to see that.

I do not feel needy, clingy or desperate. I have immense gratitude for all that I have in my life and  understand completely that I can not go into a serious time filled relationship. It will take time to thaw out, to give my heart again. Time and trust and alot of warm fuzzy lovely cuddles, laughter and kisses.

Be very very clear on what you want... because if you aren't you won't get it

One of the great discoveries for someone with a busy mind like mine, is Blogging.... it gets all the crap out of my head.

The second best thing about blogging for me is typing out what is in my head. Onto the computer. Because, thank God, one of the few things I learnt in College (Private High School in Australia) - was touch typing. And because I can type fast, I can type as quickly as the thoughts come out.

Funny when I think about it. I thought Secondary school was a waste of time, but when I do stop and reflect, I learnt alot in those 4 years I was there.

Here are some of the things I learnt:

1. Italian girls aren't bitches in the teenage years (well 80's Italian girls weren't)
2. Sewing was fun and I have really good sewing skills
3. Don't talk when you cook. Because you will spit in your food ( thanks Mrs Western!)
4. Madonna is a legend (that still stands)
5. Touch typing - I'm killing it ! I love seeing people's reactions when they think I am as daft as the next blonde and I whip up a storm on my keyboard.

Okkkeeee. I got super side tracked there. The purpose of today's blog is to get out of my head a long standing list. For a grown up, the most important list I should ever have. A list I never thought to put together, never really put any thought into and never understood any reason to have it.

Time and people constantly remind me I MUST have this list. This list is going to grow. Which means this BLOG is going to grow. But you know what, I am growing too, so it is only natural that the list is going to grow as I do. So here is the list today - the 18th of October, 2015.

Here goes. This is the list of what I want in a relationship, would I say what I want in a man, no because I don't want to box myself in (pardon the pun). So, its what I want in a companion - in the second half of my gloriously interesting life.

Natural. Pleasant. Comfortable. Independent. Thoughtful. Kind. Loves animals. Doesn't litter. Considerate. Sensitively tuned. Patient.

Today I want to find a friend. Someone that takes the time to ask me how my day/week was and to listen with interest and involvement. Someone who is patient enough to let our friendship evolve but also knows in their heart, that they want it to evolve. Someone who understands that only time will melt my frozen heart, time, caring, understanding. Someone who completely understands I want to be loved for the little girl in me, the woman in me and the person in me. Not for my body, for my sexuality, for my security. Someone that loves to explore the sum of all possibilities with me. Someone who respects my role and my responsibility as a mother, daughter and friend. Someone that I am inspired enough not to whine to, but share only positive experiences with. Someone that encourages and supports my need for gratitude. Someone that is cuddly, loving and sweet. Someone that has only eyes for me. Who sees in me something that makes them feel loved, content, joyful, grateful, happy and special. Someone that is proud of all that I achieve, of all that I try to achieve and for all the successes in my life. Someone that loves to read with me, and without a word, exudes presence, comfort and warmth.  But most importantly, communication is so important. Few words, but effective words. Where we can express needs, wants, desires and yet not over complicate anything.

Added 20 October: That he be resourceful, and good with his hands, able to throw together a chook shed, fix something that is broken. To be able to work alongside my on my property or at his property/home. Share fixing and building and updating. 

Right now, I am just so grateful that I am able to put in to words the person that will come into my life. Because I know it will happen. It might not happen tomorrow, or next week, but I know that special person will come into my life.

Why?
Because I have put it out there. And when you do that, it will come. It will manifest. Its is like if you think negative thoughts, negative things will happen.
My world is different now. I now have male friends that respect me and care for me. I now have female friends that are really friends. And I am becoming the woman I always wanted to be.

As you may have read in my past posts, it's been a long hard journey, but I have faith in my higher power, and the love that I feel has helped me move away from falling into emotional land mines.

I now recognise when a man is not available and as much as I am happy to offer a friendship, I know now that to offer anymore is really not worth it.

And in the words of Meryl Streep recently:

“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me.

I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.”.

I am excited for what positive thoughts will bring me. Share in my excitement. I wish you nothing but joy also.

Damn you feelings !

Different things rock different people. There are the people that are strong looking forward but weak looking back – and then the other way around.

I am strong when someone loves me and I don’t have the same feelings, but if I love someone or have feelings for them and they don’t me, or they have feelings for someone else, then I am bought to my knees.

I am the master at not feeling feelings, but when I am forced to, I hate it. I hate that sickly feeling, I hate that gut wrenching feeling of falling .. .. out of control.

But if I was realistic, I know that this feeling will pass the moment my head comes back off a pillow the next day and if its not the next day, it will be the one after.

Allowing myself to sit in feelings is very challenging, and yet, when I do , when I listen to my intuition, I grow so much.

The best tool to use during emotionally turbulent times….

God,

Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

But you don't even know me

Have you ever experienced someone NOT like you despite the fact that they have never met you?

How did that work for you?

Did you feel upset, hurt, angry?

Do the thoughts WTF, is she/he serious , who the hell does she/he think they are cross your mind?

Your right, it is hurtful and it would upset you. And with any kind of pain or hurt, there will come anger.

But there is something very powerful that you can learn - that will help you move past this issue.

Recently I ran into the ex wife of an ex boyfriend for the very first time. I had never ever met the woman and thought if I ever did that I would be happy and comfortable in her company. I felt no ill will toward her and honestly had no reason to.

It was only recently I came face to face with her after my ex and I became friends again - a good year after we broke up. My ex and I are now friends, and with that we are thankfully behaving more like friends than we did when we were in a relationship. The reason why I ended that particular relationship was because I wasn't treated even like a friend when we were dating, I was the dirty little hidden girlfriend and second best to the ex wife.

So, if anyone really had a bone to pick - it would have been me.

But I don't. I have dealt with my resentments and I have moved on. I have the tools of recovery. And one of those very tools that I have learnt is learning not to care about someone else's issue.

Because I now have in my mind very clearly - 'What someone else thinks of me is none of my business', I can not stress about it beyond a day or so.

So if she dislikes me - then that is not my issue. If she choses to have a negative emotion in her, then its not my issue. Quite simply I can only pray for her and wish her well. And I can hand over any worry, hurt or disappointment to my Higher Power and ask him to love her and bring her peace.

Sure, it bites to see someone so blatantly dislike me, especially because she is the mother of the children of the man that I care for. I have done nothing against her and I am not a nasty or bad person.

But I feel so blessed to have learnt this tool of recovery and I hope that by sharing this with you, you too can be empowered to move on when someone throws some shade on you.

Learning the art of staying single

Tough times ahead. Attempting to remain single in a world where 50% of marriages end in divorce. Whats that got to do with it ? Well, that leaves alot of single grown ups/ parents floating around where being single has a stigma. Where alot of people think the cure is to jump back into a relationship.

I know for me, as I have mentioned earlier, there was a fear that by being single I am being perceived by myself and by others that no one wants me. My goal was to not only decide that I am happy to be on my own but also to totally get two very important things. One, that I need to really get it, believe it and live it and two I need to get that what other people think of my single status, is ultimately none of my business.

In the meantime, there is the challenge of staying single. The challenge of resisting temptations.

When I was young, the only real place you met guys was in bars.  It was very simplistic. You saw someone you liked, you chatted, you hangout and ... Hello!

These days, the whole scene is completely different. Potential suitors come at you from so many different angles. There are single people everywhere. At work, on the way to work , at the shops, on line (Internet - dating apps) , social media, friends, friends of friends... its endless.

Dating at 45 is insanely different from dating at 20. Here are some reasons why:

* tick boxes - when we are young and single, it was a preety simple criteria to meet. Be pleasing to the eye, reciprocate attraction.- that's it
* At 20 your range of selection was limited. You had a very small choice of guys just a few years older than you. At 45, there is that same option (bald, no hair and man boobs) or you can go younger...... If he is a man, then he is eligible. And boy does that open up the playing field.
* Most single guys my age carry some form of baggage that really impacts on their ability to chill out, be balanced emotionally,  loving, attentive and happy to be in a relationship.
* At 45, I am not the naive young girl with no confidence that I am now. I know a dud when I see one, I can spot a egotistical player a mile away and I know when a man is not over an ex.
* At 45 I feel like a woman. I know what I want, I know what I don't want and I allow my maturity and confidence guide the way I walk and teach me how to talk. I am more self assured and less tolerant of time wasting.

So why do I want to stay single?

My purpose for trying to stay single is this. I don't want to be in a serious relationship. Ok, lets define serious girl ?

I have no desire to live with someone, I don't want to get remarried (need to get unmarried first),  I don't want to be controlled by anyone. I don't want to be let down by anyone. I don't even want to set myself up to be hurt by anyone. And I don't want to deal with someone else' baggage.

I don't want to hear about ex partners over and over again. I don't want to be with a man who is still under the thumb of an ex. I don't want to deal with a guys who haven't looked at themselves and taken responsibility for their emotional growth. I don't want to be used, I don't want to be mis-understood.

And most importantly, I don't know if I am ready or capable of love yet.

There is alot of wonderful interesting available people out there to discover and get to know and befriend.

Being single allows me to understand myself more, the world more and the wonderful world of social interaction. There are special friends and family I want to spend time with. I want to discover hobbies, passions and interests.

It will take someone preety special to convince me otherwise. And that is something we all must aspire to. We are worth so much. And its a nice feeling knowing what your real worth is. Never lose sight of it.

You wouldn't run on a broken leg right?

1/8/2015

Have you ever thought its not a good idea to walk on a broken leg or use a broken arm ?

Not many people function on broken limbs, and if they do, what do we think?

We think - are you crazy ? Are you stupid?

Heal that limb, rest, take time out. Get it fixed.

And yet,

Taking care of business

What others do is none of my business.

What others think is none of my business.

What people think of me is none of my business.

How the confident live... good luck to you if you tick all these boxes ~!

I read this great blog yesterday on the Internet, scary but it really made me sit up.

It is a list of 13 things confident people do differently

Why was it scary? Because it was so glaringly obvious that I am NOT confident.

It is none of your business

QUESTION LADIES: and I should say GUYS because I have seen guys do this too.

Why do we go Pain shopping?

Why do we ask, look and preety much go out of our way to find out information that is going to hurt us ?

Woman - you hold the keys to the universe

Woman: You hold the keys to the Universe

From your womb came mankind. And yet .... what are we today? Who are we today ?

Do we really know our own true value. Do we give ourselves away too freely. Do we understand how sacred our souls, minds and bodies are?

Coming out of Withdrawal

Your either an addict - or your not.
You either understand or you don't.

You either know someone who is or you don't.
You either have compassion or you don't.