Ever gotten to a point in your life and thought -'crap- I just don't know who I really am'?
Youth flew out the door years before and suddenly, here you are, smack bang in the middle of your life.
You could be in a relationship with someone for years, and suddenly wonder 'what the hell am I doing here'?
Or you could be out of a relationship and be single and think 'how the hell did I get here'?
I see people of all ages get to a crisis point in their lives, where they are bought to their knees and cry at the pain of just not knowing how the hell they got there. Years lost in the whirlwind of distractions, addictions, stress, anxiety and depression. Not living up to societies expectations. Or missing an integral part in their childhood and left without a sense of a inner core. Train wrecks everywhere. Completely powerless. Not knowing who they are.Missing parts of their children's childhoods and loosing marriages and tearing apart families.
One of my fears on the fear wheel was that I didn't have depth. There is nothing to me. Nothing inside me, nothing of interest, nothing interesting. I told myself I didn't have anything I loved or did or was passionate about. And it occupied so much of my head space, sometimes I really didnt get to the other side, and that is see that there is so much that I love. I just didn't have the faith in myself and see these things, to acknowledge their value, their presence. I am starting to now.
Because what I looked for was common traits. I looked to what the rest of the world was doing and because I haven't conformed, I felt like I was failing as an individual. Because I don't look the same, I don't feel the same. I forgot to look at what I accomplish and I forgot to embrace my individuality. It takes me writing to see it.
Then I wonder, am I the only one that feels this. Do other people feel like they are somewhat lacking in social pazazz? Do they feel like their lives are dull and mundane and not appealing to an outsider? Do we loose ourselves? Do we all get caught up in this. Why do we get sucked into this ? It is ridiculous.
Right now is my moment , I am discovering who I really am. Time out from relationships. From men that say they love me, don't say they love me, try to change me, don't really know me at all. Aren't interested in what I like, what I want to discover. Aren't over past relationships, not ready to be in one, not out of one, not ready to laugh, make love, have fun, hang loose, run free, be passionate about every moment. And most importantly, time out from men that don't know how to love, no matter what age. That don't know how to kiss with joy, hug with warmth and snuggle with depth.
Time out. Enough already. My last relationship has really put me off. Why settle for second best. Why settle for someone who can't even invest in emotions. Why go through the anxiety and stress, when your intuition is telling you the truth. There was a great saying I saw -something along the lines of 'If you are not going to step through the door way, get out of the way so that someone else can'
It is important we all take time to discover and enjoy ourselves and our own lives. I get to enjoy my property myself. I get to put in the hard work and stand back and admire the changing look of my home. I get to feel complete joy zooming around on my toys. I get to feel complete exhaustion and satisfaction at the things I complete. Slowly but surely. Bit by bit. No one distracting me, no one taking me away from what I have worked so hard to get to. No one to complain about my menagerie that loves me, that stands with me while I am working, that stands by me when I am sad and crying. That cuddles me when I need a hug. That makes me laugh. This is my moment to smell the roses. And boy do I have alot of roses.
Yet still, tonight, I sat here and thought... what have I done. Here I am all alone, what if no one will ever want me again. What if I never experience love again. What if every person I want to love now is either unavailable, physically, mentally, emotionally. What if every experience I have moving forward is just filled with baggage. What if every person I meet holds a candle for someone else. What if I never find anyone ever again that looks at me, the real me, and loves it, thinks I am beautiful, thinks I am special, thinks I am their Warrior Princess.
And then I remind myself. 'It doesn't really matter right now' Right now the most important things is that "I" enjoy me, and the things I love.
A special friend last night, shone a light in my soul. He reminded me, 'Anita, if someone does not cherish you, love you and give you 100% - walk away. Don't give them anything. Because the moment you accept less than 100%, they won't respect you. You are a beautiful, loving, giving, special women that deserves the best.'
And they are right. I am not going to give away pieces of myself anymore. No one ever should. And I hope to teach that to my children too.
Because until we learn to cherish ourselves, no one else ever will.
I will maintain my faith in my Higher Power, that he has a special life ahead for me and that love will come to me again, only when my soul is ready. In the meantime, I just need to remain present in the now. Because I am learning to laugh again and the most wonderful thing is - I am laughing when I am on my own discovering life's simple pleasures.