Hell yes!

I am powerless. I have handed it over.

That was delicious ..

That looks amazing....

That gave me butterflies.

I am enjoying it all.


Stopping to discover who we are ...

Ever gotten to a point in your life and thought -'crap- I just don't know who I really am'?

Youth flew out the door years before and suddenly, here you are, smack bang in the middle of your life.

You could be in a relationship with someone for years, and suddenly wonder 'what the hell am I doing here'?

Or you could be out of a relationship and be single and think 'how the hell did I get here'?


And then what happened....... the brave emerged | When people relate

I say how I feel. I say I am not alone. Because, I am not and you are not alone if you feel this.

There are teenagers that feel this. There are adults that feel this. There are friends whose family members feel like I do. There are singers, actors, rich people, poor people that feel like I do. 

Grief for the end of a relationship is exactly like grief over a death. At the blink of an eye, one minute you can be holding each other. Then the next minute they can be riding away. You may never speak to them or see them again. 

Here is a connection, a special empathy, someone who relates. Thank you for your feedback on grief over the end of a relationship. Many people struggle through this, if this is you, remember you are not alone:

Societies ideals V Reality | Day 12

WOW  thanks for all the love, support and feedback I have been getting. It is great there are a lot of people that connect with where I am coming from. It took a lot of courage to put my imperfections out there for the world to see, and I understand that a lot of people would be very uncomfortable doing that.  There is always a friend or relative in someones life that struggles with a monster in their heads. What I am being taught right now is how to manage the thoughts in my head via CBT - Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. It is a type of psychotherapy that helps people to change unhelpful or unhealthy thinking habits, feelings and behaviours. So basically making that monster in our heads smaller. 

Tonight's beach walk - as grey as I felt


Cheery blogs coming soon. Spring, blossoms and chickens all grown up

And then what happened ..... ? | Day 10

I ended a relationship last week. First world problem. I know I know.... Very self self self. Oh but the tears. Crying like there is no tomorrow. Crying like I was 15 all over again. The moisturiser smells of him. This made him laugh, he loved that. He is never going to be in my bed again . Boo hoo hoo. My dogs just look at me and don't know what to do.The expressions on their faces - priceless.

Breaking up - hardest thing I have done for a long time, child birth not counting ( don't mind the fact that I own my own property and manage it along with a full time job, raised 3 kids on my own, financially supported the 4 of us for 12 years......  yada yada yada) . How do you let go of someone you thought you really liked. Something so new. When there is so much between you yet to be explored and still to discover in each other. Someone that doesn't demand more time than you can give. Someone that doesn't need what you own. Someone secure enough in themselves to not fawn over you.. Someone that gets your full attention.

How do you have someone in your arms, feel so much tenderness and caring and say, "It is over"?

You do it because it is the right thing to do. For yourself and for that person .


I faced my fear, I slayed it and put it to rest | Day 5

Back in June, I talked about a huge fear of mine.... Facing the fear of actively choosing to be single. Well just being single in general.

I finally faced the fear. Accepting that at this moment in life, I need to be single.


Right under that cloud ....

I used to journal alot as a child and a teenager. And then I stopped.

What I didn't realise was, journal ling was a very healthy thing to do. Writing now with a pen feels like torture. Thank god I can touch type. Because my brain goes a mile a minute.


Sloth time guilt...

Is it just me or do alot of people get an attack of the guilt's because of night time slothing out?

When I get home at night, all I want to do is put on the fire, grab some food and a book and curl up and relax.


That Eeyore cloud

Ah the good life ey. Where you can wake up every day and feel wonderful. You can go to work, be passionate and skilled at your job, interact with work mates in a balanced healthy way.

You go home, prepare a healthy exciting meal for your family and then do something productive and stimulating after dinner. You go to bed, have a great conversation with your partner, have some intimacy, roll over and go to sleep.

You balance life, work, friends and when stress and problems come up, you deal with them all efficiently and with no fuss.


Patting ourselves on the back... do we do it too much?

I was given some food for thought today:

When is self praise too much, I can see how damaging self resentment is, how damaging negative self talk is , but sometimes, healthy people are annoying.

Because I am starting to hear, now that I am listening to less of my own negative self talk, how much people praise themselves. And boy do people think they are wonderful. They think they are better than others, they think they are the best parents, the best woman, so brave, so strong, so smart, so wise, so independent. They think they are such an amazing man, amazing friend, amazing employee. And God help anyone who questions them. Because they aren't really interested in hearing it.

There is always two sides to a story....

Ever gotten upset by what you perceived someone has done or said about you. Heard half the details and you want to go to them and give them what for?

Ever looked at the way someone looks and acts and immediately form an opinion of them? Have you ever stopped to think about their history, their journey and who they really are. Ever been hurt because someone is not talking to you and not smiling at you? You think they don't like you. But it may just be they are busy, distracted. Sad.

Looks don't tell the whole story. Behaviour does not tell the whole story and your reactions are simply your perception. You may react to what you think the other person is thinking . What you think the other person is meaning. They say talk face to face to ensure the message is communicated clearly because sending things in writing will not show the emotion. I am discovering even face to face communication can be just as murky because one mind communicating to the other has a completely different thought process. We are talking different genders, different generations, different emotional feelings. Different intellects. Different nationalities. Different personalities. Different hormones. Different beliefs. So many variables can lead you to misconstrue what the other person is attempting to communicate to you.


Humans and God

Dear Humans,

Something that has been bugging me for a while. And I have to say it. 

Quit blaming GOD for you being an a*&hole

It is not God's fault you want to start wars. It is because you are greedy. It is because you want more oil. It is because you want more land. It is because you want more money. t is because you lack compassion for others, for the earth and for humanity. It is because you are intolerant. It is because you cannot and will not accept that this precious earth is a gift. It is not a right. You do not have a right to own it. And you do not have a right to kill others to own it or take possession of parts of it. Using God as an excuse to kill people is a cowards act. 


Saying goodbye to yesterday

I allowed myself to dwell on what was then.

Who I was then and how do I measure up now. If it was not bad enough to measure myself up against the rest of the world, and to feel I fall short, I also measured myself up against who I was 20 years ago.

20 years younger.

Me then - 24 years old. Living in another country, in a new exciting relationship, a new beautiful baby. I was planning a wedding, making food for my baby- everything she ate was handmade , used cloth nappies and I was so happy I had a little family and this life. This contentment continued for 4 more years, moving countries, 2 more children, making their clothes, crafts, birthday cakes, birthday parties, games. I was the mother I always wanted to be. Bedtime stories, playgroup and the most precious moments- singing to my children every night before they went to sleep.

Fast forward to now and I had let myself fall apart. Let myself believe I am a shell. I am not the woman I thought I would be. I let that contentment slide from my finger tips. I let that warm family life slide away.

I slid into addiction.

Because............... I started with this all, not quite settled in myself. You can't fill a bag with treats if the bag has holes all through it. They will eventually all fall out, and sometimes the weight of them will make bigger holes.
The love, the babies, the family, it was all the most wonderful thing to behold, and I let myself believe I did not deserve it. I let myself sabotage my own happiness.

But this is the whole point of now - and the lesson to learn. Not to dwell on then. Photos and videos of the happy memories are worth keeping, but my goal now is to focus just on today. What can I do today to be a good mum to my children. Re-learn to be there for them, for the people they are now. Hear them, what they love, what they are interested in. Be present, learn mindfulness. Participate in what is important to them and make sure their home provides, comfort warmth and welcome. Help them to understand that I support their goals, their independence and successes. And let them fly without feeling that I am a victim being left behind.

This is going to be my challenge. And I know I will stumble and fall. But I will get up again, and not give up.

Today I have lovely people in my life helping me to learn to live in the moment.  I need to learn to feel the gratitude. To make the most of the tools I have been gifted to do this. Not to dwell on yesterday and not to worry about tomorrow. To breath in the love, friendships, joy and special moments of now. To treasure every moment I have with those I love, the moments with my busy and successful children. To make sure every day they know how much I cherish them for exactly who they are.

So goodbye yesterday, hold on tomorrow because right now I want to take in a deep breath and breathe in today. I want my rub my eyes and look in wonderment at the amazing things that are in my life today, feel them, touch them and enjoy them. Wish me luck. x


Love me, Love me not

"Do I need anyone to love me?" A question I ask myself - Is it something other people ask themselves? I really admire people that work all this out when they are young.

I want to learn more and remind myself daily -  love to give, not to be given.

Like, why sweat the small stuff. If someone loves me - great. If they don't - then it is their loss. If I love someone, it is my choice. In doing so, I want to love selflessly. Hard gig. After growing up thinking love is a feeling, not an act of Will. Is it a feeling or an act of Will ?


Better to have lost in love, then never to have loved at all

As I have gotten older, I am more aware of the impact painful relationship endings have on a persons uninhibited joy in new love. Tarnished, bitter and unwilling to put their heart out their again, they hold back, and loose those first few months of the wonderment of new love. They let their previous partners behaviour prejudice their outlook on women/men. They become sceptical about a woman's/man's motives. They ridicule the opposite sex and in turn disrespect themselves and their new partner.They are wasting everyone's time.

Personally, I have been fortunate enough to not want lose the joyful sensation of new love. Mind you, perhaps that could have simply been, new lust, because I am now learning that love doesn't happen over night, it takes time - alot of time.


Second hand rose.... and the love in sharing clothes.

Me in just another HMD
When I was a child, all I ever wore were 'hand me down' clothes, or hideous home made outfits (don't tell my mum that I said that!)

If they were cool, I was happy, but that was a rarity. They weren't the latest fashions and they were usually a decade out of date. I must be honest and say I did have some personal favourite second hand clothes and boy did I love them.

Then recently I heard that clothes, along with houses, jewellery and other things when re used, carry the original and subsequent owners energy. If it was bad energy, then you would be wearing it. Uggh !

New clothes are such a  buzz for me. Except that, the moment they are worn once, they are no longer new and they feel like 'hand me down' clothes again.


May the month of change

The month of May - PART 1

The month that everything happens, birthdays, mothers day, anniversaries, mid life crisis anniversaries and recovery anniversaries.

This day in May was the day I decided to start writing a blog.

I have been contemplating writing a blog for years on the thoughts, fears, experiences I have had my whole life, but always procrastinated. I used to journal and read since I was a teenager and then suddenly, 13 years ago I stopped. I had children, life took over and eventually I was loosing the grip of communicating my thoughts and loosing my grip on my present and my future. I was also loosing the gift of communicating the Queens English.

So thank you for your patience while my grammar gets up to speed. I will look back to this first blog one day and shudder at how basic it is, but we all must start somewhere. To do is to learn, and to learn is to do. I am keen to learn.

This blog is for a few purposes.

1. to journal

2. to help dispel long held beliefs that being skinny makes you happy

3. to share my struggles

4. to share my search for peace & serenity

5. to reassure those who also feel the same that they are not alone

6. to motivate those who feel its "just too hard"

7. to record my journey of growth

8. to support others that feel frustrated with their negative controlling mind

9. to get with the times

10. To show my kids I am not a technical dinosaur

11. To broaden my mind

Wish me luck.