Saying goodbye to yesterday

I allowed myself to dwell on what was then.

Who I was then and how do I measure up now. If it was not bad enough to measure myself up against the rest of the world, and to feel I fall short, I also measured myself up against who I was 20 years ago.

20 years younger.

Me then - 24 years old. Living in another country, in a new exciting relationship, a new beautiful baby. I was planning a wedding, making food for my baby- everything she ate was handmade , used cloth nappies and I was so happy I had a little family and this life. This contentment continued for 4 more years, moving countries, 2 more children, making their clothes, crafts, birthday cakes, birthday parties, games. I was the mother I always wanted to be. Bedtime stories, playgroup and the most precious moments- singing to my children every night before they went to sleep.

Fast forward to now and I had let myself fall apart. Let myself believe I am a shell. I am not the woman I thought I would be. I let that contentment slide from my finger tips. I let that warm family life slide away.

I slid into addiction.

Because............... I started with this all, not quite settled in myself. You can't fill a bag with treats if the bag has holes all through it. They will eventually all fall out, and sometimes the weight of them will make bigger holes.
The love, the babies, the family, it was all the most wonderful thing to behold, and I let myself believe I did not deserve it. I let myself sabotage my own happiness.

But this is the whole point of now - and the lesson to learn. Not to dwell on then. Photos and videos of the happy memories are worth keeping, but my goal now is to focus just on today. What can I do today to be a good mum to my children. Re-learn to be there for them, for the people they are now. Hear them, what they love, what they are interested in. Be present, learn mindfulness. Participate in what is important to them and make sure their home provides, comfort warmth and welcome. Help them to understand that I support their goals, their independence and successes. And let them fly without feeling that I am a victim being left behind.

This is going to be my challenge. And I know I will stumble and fall. But I will get up again, and not give up.

Today I have lovely people in my life helping me to learn to live in the moment.  I need to learn to feel the gratitude. To make the most of the tools I have been gifted to do this. Not to dwell on yesterday and not to worry about tomorrow. To breath in the love, friendships, joy and special moments of now. To treasure every moment I have with those I love, the moments with my busy and successful children. To make sure every day they know how much I cherish them for exactly who they are.

So goodbye yesterday, hold on tomorrow because right now I want to take in a deep breath and breathe in today. I want my rub my eyes and look in wonderment at the amazing things that are in my life today, feel them, touch them and enjoy them. Wish me luck. x

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