I want to learn more and remind myself daily - love to give, not to be given.
Like, why sweat the small stuff. If someone loves me - great. If they don't - then it is their loss. If I love someone, it is my choice. In doing so, I want to love selflessly. Hard gig. After growing up thinking love is a feeling, not an act of Will. Is it a feeling or an act of Will ?
I struggled to believe I was lovable. But now I see everyone is lovable. We are all unique and special and there are chemical connections that draw people to specific people. The question is : Why do we go against the grain sometimes and need someone to want us and love us, if it really isn't gelling. You cant make them be interested in you, interested in what you like, care about your well being, your stresses, your burdens and even responsibilities. If they don't want to be a part of it, help, share your every day life, FINE
But if they do - don't fear it either. Don't push it away if you are scared. Accept the love. But don't try and control it or demand it.
I asked myself alot these last 2 years - "And what is a normal relationship? What is healthy? "
There is no normal. We all have doubts, fears, little quirks, some of us addictions, foibles, but we need to learn to trust our 'comfort feeling' .
Its the deep down feeling of what feels comfortable in a relationship for you - my comfort feeling is - my partner is my best friend. He is the one that I want turn to when I am vulnerable, happy, excited, sad, passionate, naughty and all of the above. He is the one I want around me, my protector, letting me do my thing, letting him do his thing, But just really digging each others company, talking, hanging out, laughing, doing quirky things, exploring new things, listening, one at a time - to each other. Sharing interests . Teaching each other. Being passionate about life together .But the reality is, we get our relationship idiosyncrasies from our parents.
I am starting to get now, normal is what is comfortable for the 2 people, conducting their relationship. It is what FEELS good, what is respectful, fun, kind, thoughtful, helpful, interested, caring, fun, considerate and most of all PRESENT. But both people have to feel it - together. You need to connect.
WOW- you must think I must be so blonde. Here I am in my 40's and I am just getting it. Yes you are right, I am blonde, and I am just getting it - it being ME. I am finally comprehending who I am, what I like and the way I want love in my life. I am finally understanding I am not a failure, I am not wrong, a loser and everything I think and do is not a mistake. It is all unrolling now before my very eyes and I am having alot of AHA moments and I am grateful to just be able to journal it.
I am finally understanding it is ok to know how I want LOVE in my life and to not settle for second best. Learning to accept love as graciously as I can and believe that I am worth it.
Afterword: I wrote a few posts this week, and later in the week I came across this. Very relative to what I was thinking and very reassuring that I am finally on the right track 30 things you should stop putting yourself through