Maintaining self ... through fear and doubt

Sleep deprived, adrenaline depleted and hungover - the perfect invitation for the FEAR monster to enter my head.

Intellectually, I absolutely understand and believe in the concept that I as an individual must never waver from belief in myself, in being myself and not backing away from that. In having a strong conviction in who I am and in my gifts.

But put someone in front of me where I let my walls down with and allow myself to feel, then suddenly up POPS the invitation to the FEAR monster. And in it waltzes to me head.

Today it waltzed on in and made itself right at home, fortunately this time I went to my tool box and pulled out the reality check list.

1. Understanding I am hungover, tired and extremely exhausted from some beautiful amazing emotional stimulation
2. I could see I allowed myself to feel hope, feelings and an expectation
3. I could see myself over think and over worry

So I picked up the phone and called my mother and she gave me some great advice. "Don't stop what you are doing" she said. "continue to enjoy your life, enjoy meeting new people and getting to know yourself around other people"

And then another call came in at the same time, friends inviting me to coffee. Suddenly a few shifts in my head allowed the direction of my thoughts to change. I was able to share my fear with my mum and friends and they all came back with the same advice. .."OWN IT"

Own the moment, rejoice in who I am, in my openness, my affection, my loving, my joy for life, my gratitude.

Don't fear who I am. Don't change what feels good and don't fear what I may have or have not done in error. Just accept and look forward smiling.

So today I sat here and panicked. I've spent this weekend opening myself up to a lovely man and suddenly we are both feeling feelings and I am panicking. I allowed myself to panic about....

Hang on .. about what ? Why am I feeling fear, why have I allowed the Fear Monster to just strut right into my head.??

It is time I sat here and said - that was lovely this weekend, but today is Sunday, Coffee with friends was lovely and sitting here with my dogs is lovely and having my mum come visit is going to be lovely and life is lovely.

And I am lovely.I am lovely. I am warm, loving, affectionate, youthful, spontaneous, beautiful, blessed with a beautiful family, dogs, friends, animals, home, job. I am a very special woman, and I am a gift and blessing to those that have me in their life.

I know what I want, I know what my year needs and my life needs. It needs me to OWN my own head and not invite or allow the Fear monster in my head. So this story is for anyone that forgets to do this. Who experiences that monster. Take charge, take positive affirmations and assert them. And look around you,  there is love for you everywhere. Let it in and have faith.It is hard, just don't give up.


Never lose yourself in a relationship

See these hands?
Can you see how skinny they are?
They are the sign of exactly 11 months of anxiety

These are the hands that wrote And then what happened |Day 10-
Once, I let someone make me so anxious, so sick, so sad that I lost weight, I lost a bit of sanity and I lost myself.

The journey back to myself.
Where 20 years of mistakes finally caught up with me. I felt deep grief. I let go of alot of pain.

It takes alot of work to get to half the place I am now and it is going to take alot more work to get to a place I want to be.


Cause and Effect


On my recovery journey, I have to wake up each day knowing that I am not at the top of the 'Recovery Class'

My addictions arent bat shit crazy enough and I continue to potter along as a functioning addict.

Sounds great... but it is very ho hum non progressive.

In fact, it is downright frustrating.

Sure, yes, aha I have definately grown within myself the last 3 and a half years. But when I see such a wonderful level of sobriety in other people, I could kick myself.

But then I get feedback from these 'sober' people and I hear alot of them tell me they wish they had my confidence, my vitality and my ability to go out into the world and just discover.

Cause and Effect

25th January 2016
Here I sit.
And if I really wanted to, I could look, watch and listen.
I can see an action made by a person and I can come to a judgement.
No facts. No details. Just what I see.
Humans do it all the time.
They judge someone's actions.
But here in lies the question......are people happy to be ignorant of the big picture and form a judgement on their narrow view of someone's actions?
Do I want to be that person? Do I do it ? Perhaps... don't we all ?


Woman Cheats on Husband

Mother screams at child and virtually has a nervous break down

Woman with 3 young children leaves husband

Man moves to another state after marriage break up leaving 3 young children

Woman admits herself to hospital after an emotionally barren relationship

Woman becomes needy and clingy in a relationship

Woman signs up to online dating. Meets men and has one night stands

Woman turns in to raving lunatic when ex wife of current partner appears at residence

So many stories, so many opportunities for judgement.


Being single can either be life enriching or soul destroying. It depends on YOU. Today I embrace being single because I view every date as a discovery about myself and mankind. Every person educates me and some enthral me
Being single at 45 is way more enriching, exciting and fun than being single at 20. Meeting (note: meeting does not mean shagging) new people and learning to engage with the opposite sex is enlightening and eye opening.
Life is about growing and learning and it's a wonderful experience to be able to say " Hello world, this is me. Nice to meet you. Share with me laughter, fun and adventure"

Personally, I do have moments of doubt, as we all do that someone suddenly doesn't or we think that someone won't message back. Or want to see us again. They are the ones that you actually did find interesting. attractive or different.

And sometimes they don't. And the best thing to do is take what you learnt and leave the rest.
The doubt, the worry, the recycling of conversations and where it went wrong.

Take it on board. 

Going out into the dating world in this day and age is different. There is a whole new set of 'care factor' rules. Where you don't invest too much emotion, display the perfect amount of interest and say what is confident and individual whilst managing to say exactly what they want to hear.

It's a tough game of respect yourself, get what you want and need for your self and yet gather some respect and interest from other people.

It really is a your rules game. And the best rules to have is to look at it all as another opportunity to rise above it all & make sure you maintain balance with all the things in your life.