That first week

The last few days are interesting. Here I am yet again, coming away from a attempted relationship and at this stage I am still running. But I have realised I tend to run like I am running from a cage or jail where I feel free and I let all inhibitions go free. What I don't realise is that I tend to just run into another cage. .... it has been my pattern.  I am a chronic love addict.


The Ex-Factor and it isn't as entertaining

I am someone's Ex. In fact, I am a few peoples 'ex.' And I am a recovering addict. What that equates to is a whole lot of selfish, self seeking behaviour and ego feeding.

'Recovering' means finally being less and less in self and having the ability to feel and think again. It means learning to consider other people's feelings. It means learning to let go, let God.. Let go. Hmm # 1 thing I used to always be deplorable at. It took me 3 years to get over my first boyfriend. Of course I dated in those years and it was messy dating because at the time, I just didn't realise the huge impact of not getting over an ex had on moving forward in a healthy way. The effect not getting over my boyfriend had on my self esteem, my actions and the pain I inflicted.

That girl inspires me ...... | Day 11

September 2014

WOW what a good distraction this blog is proving to be. Writing writing writing, that what I have been doing. There is also alot I don't post. Lately it has been heavy ... but that is where my life is at. Swimming through the muck.

Right now amongst all the muck are three little gems ~ Monika Sea, Isabella, and Herbert.

Your either a bitch or your needy.... and you can be both

12 Nov 2014

Not sure what the title has to do with this topic - but I read a great book about it and it kinda stuck in my head !

Of course the subject of the moment is men, women and relationships.

I'm delightfully out of relationships right now and delightfully not looking to get into another one any time soon. So that leaves me single and ready to mingle.....

Hmm single and ready to mingle. But who with. Well firstly, ready to mingle with those near and dear to me. So near would be my broom, my mop, my cleaning tools, my tools, and work on my house. Dear to me means making more meals for the kids, being there to listen to them and support them. I need to learn some tolerance big time (apparently - says my son) and I need to get my butt over to Melbourne and visit my family.

Talk talk all talk. Because at my current level of energy, Work gets first pickings, basic chores around the house get second, the kids might get me if they are lucky. I am here, but not entirely present.

But that doesn't mean to say I don't try. I do, but I am one of those people that sees an elephant and I try to eat the whole elephant in one mouth full rather than small bites. And when the elephants head gets stuck in my throat, I get over anxious and I fall and I cant get up. So I end up eating part of the elephant, and the rest is left there, not finished. I have 6 acres full of half eaten elephants. And that's just that side of the zoo.

Then we have my social life. Well, I am not sure I would call it that. My head says, ohhhh, it would be sooo nice to go out and have coffee, so nice to go out to dinner, soo nice to go out to ..../..../.... or even ......
But then I go ... who with. I have never been good at socialising. Well I am good at going out, having some bevies , getting a bit of confidence and chatting to people half cut. Put me in front of friendships and I steam roll the convo and talk about my tragic love life. And that all just has to stop. Because I need more than relationships. I need to learn how to make friendships. Learn how to mingle and just chillax.

I have been in relationships most of my life and 100% focused on them and I need to start to learn to hear people and be there for them. Its going to be a bit of .....

and that is where my dreaming left off.

Fast forward 4 months. And TAKE 2

Lets try this gig again. Oops I slipped into a relationship and I shouldn't have !

oops I did it again... same same but different

We need to be careful in addiction. Something so small that the disease wants can stop you from grief and processing loss.

It can distract you from the natural process.

The best thing to do is to go with the HP - just go to him and hand it over. Go with the fear, go with the pain and don't look at the preety flashing lights. The drug is short lived and you are back to square one.

Pray. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.


Gratitude and Compassion

Two things to remind myself every day - Gratitude and Compassion

It is what I will need to get through the day.


Resentment or contentment?

January 2015

I stopped.

I felt better and I stopped writing.

Suddenly, over 4 months went by.

Where did it go.

Was it used wisely? And yes I found that it was.

I found me, I found my soul, and I found my heart again.

Such a relief. I felt rebellion, I felt resentment, I felt contentment.

Living with addiction.. and the beat goes on

Living with addiction is a tough contract. One day at a time they told me and they sure aren't wrong.

They - being recovery groups. So each day I am living with addiction, and some days I don't notice,
but some days I really really feel it nipping at my ankles.

So I have to remember to never let my guard down, try and keep boundaries and bottom lines and try and stay single.
Because one of my addictions is Love Addiction.