That first week

The last few days are interesting. Here I am yet again, coming away from a attempted relationship and at this stage I am still running. But I have realised I tend to run like I am running from a cage or jail where I feel free and I let all inhibitions go free. What I don't realise is that I tend to just run into another cage. .... it has been my pattern.  I am a chronic love addict.

And each time I say things will be different. So if I want different results, then I need to do things differently. And this time, the difference is, I am going to tell myself I am not single, I am not free. I will tell myself I am in a new relationship. One that is not controlling, one that is not un affectionate, one that is full of love, trust and forgiveness. One that will allow me to grow, to believe in myself, to feel out and trust my intuition. One that will allow me to cry and be sad, and comfort and support me through growth. It will allow me to mature and grow and find my feet.

And that relationship is with my higher power.

It is a commitment I have not been able to make for many years. Something I feared and no matter how much I talked about it, thought and dreamt about it. It just was so hard to do. I am going to try it now, I can't guarantee success for myself, but I can only try.

Yes I do things differently, and that is something I must rejoice. In my difference.

I couldn't follow recovery the way everyone else did. But I need to do as much as I can to make sure I do follow the 12 steps as much as I can. My brain just needs to comprehend and find ways to help it comprehend.

And this is a way for it to help it comprehend.

So wish me luck in my endeavour to truly find myself. Ill have to have to do it eventually. Better now than when I am 80.

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