You have got to be kidding

Remember the saying when you were a child:

When I grow up I want to be ......

I remember when I was younger, child/teenager and I imagined myself as a older woman, I honestly thought I would be one of those serene velvet voiced women that walked through the grass with no shoes on, fingers trailing along in the flowers with a carefree way about her.

Fast forward 30 years and here I am - staring 45 in the face wondering what the hell went wrong. I still think the same confused thoughts I did as an 18 year old. I am still controlled absolutely by my fears and my confusion about who I am, who I am meant to be and wondering if I am ever going to get some peace in my head and soul.

Today I decided to write because a fundamental realisation came into my my mind.

I have subconsiously always thought I feared being alone - from relationships - you know, love relationships. I lived with that fear for 30 years. I have been single for 10 weeks now - thank God and I have no intention of going anywhere near intimacy, sex or relationships for quite a while. And for the most part - I am loving it.

Then today, I was just lying in bed wondering, as you do and the reality is, being single is not my fear. Peel away the men - those lovely creatures that fill your cup over and over again with love, sex and affection and you are left standing alone. What scares the shit out of me is -believing I am alone.

But what is alone. Is alone sitting in a cave with no one around within 100-500km or alone as being in a room full of people, being surrounded by those you love, and love you but no knowing how to be with those people.

I am not alone. I have a house full of beloveds. I have a house full of animals that adore me. They adore me so much that they follow my everywhere when I am home, literally everywhere and sleep virtually on top of me. Yes thats all piled up on top of each other.

I work with some absolutely adorable people, I know so many adorable people, I went to school with some amazing women, and yet in myself I feel incredibly alone. I asked  myself over and over and over and over. Why doesnt anyone ring me, why doesnt anyone want to be my friend. Why Why Why. Waaa Waaa Waaa

Poor Me. I have always felt that sense of abandonment. But the reality is - the MONSTER in my head, who goes by the name of FEAR,  is not scared of not having a lover anymore. The biggest fear is not knowing how to be. How to be me. How to show the ppl that although I really want and I really respect, a decent friendship. I dont even know where to start.

Lets go back to the beginning. The things I need to unravel. When I was in primary school I didnt have friends. I dont know why, I was perhaps what they considered awkward, weird, and I went through most of my early years on my own. At home, I was my brothers physical and verbal punching bag. All the parents in our neighbourhood street thought I was a trouble maker - not sure how I could have been considering I was never welcome in anyones homes and never "hung" with the kids in my street. I just wandered around on  my own, through the woods down my road and sat up in trees alot of the time. I also followed my brother around ALOT, only to be told to FUCK OFF alot.  I was subjected to physical punishment by my father ALOT and my parents divorced when I was 10. But the worst was yet to come. Because when my mum left my dad - of course in the most dramatic way, my dad went on to vomit so much hatred verbally about my mother for at least 10-15 years. I do recall back then, - thats a bit rough.If he hates her so much and she is half of who I am, then he must hate a part of me.

4 marriages later ( between both parents) and a teenage life being thrown out of home by both parents, I was forced to support myself at 16. I went straight into a defacto living relationship with a boy - yes he was only 15 and we lived together till I was 18.  No friendships, no teenage time, no learning how to be a woman on my own. Needless to say - by 18 I went awol. My life went off the rails so fast that even I was stunned.

What followed was 6 years of self loathing, being the worst friend in the world, to others and especially to myself.

And then I had children at 24. My salvation. So I thought. Making my beautiful first daughter was for me a miracle. I honesty let that lift my percieved value of myself. I thought - WOW Anita- you made this miracle. You are special after all. That carried me for years. I cooked, I nurtured, I sewed, I played, I made and I was mother earth. 3 children later and I was a hero to 3 little darlings.

And then the cracks started to appear. I started to doubt myself. I started to get lost in my confusion. How is a wife to be, how is a mother to be, how is a lover to be. I got it all wrong. I walked away in the most heartbreaking way from the father of my children and tore a little family apart

I then went on to imerse myself in the one thing that took the reality away. Love.
It took me from my beloved mothering, it took me away from sanity, it took me away from having to learn how to be a friend to women and other men.

When the love faded, I didnt have friendship, I didnt have respect and my children had distanced themselves from me emotionally. I was no longer a hero. I was their troubled mumma.,

I was desperate, clingy and entirely irresponsible.

That was then and this is now. I have chosen to step away from relationships, sex and intimacy. I am letting the grief come up, it is coming up through sickness, sadness, fear.

So the realisation is - I dont have alot of "close" friends. No, no one rings me, but I have to take the matter into my own hands. I can no longer wait for "them"

Its up to me to grab what I want. Its up to me to try and make friendships and keep them. Its up to me to establish a close loving relationship with my adult children. God know how I am going to do it. I have no clue. I can only just wake up every morning and try.

Sure I am going to wake up many mornings and not want to try. I want to lie there in my pity party and feel old and sad and pathetic.

But I want to grow. I want to be that woman I always thought I would be.

If it kills me

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