So everything has been stripped back and I have fully exposed myself to myself. And what do I see. Hmm.
I am lazy, I procrastinate, I don't budget as good as I thought I did, I do not have great boundaries, I am easily put off things and ppl. I run away from effort, I don't like to finish things, I get overwhelmed quickly, I need to reinforce better boundaries for my kids and others, I need to expect that they will buck at them at first, I am slowly starting to make more of an effort not to be a piker. I am trying more to engage with my kids. I am trying more to listen to them. I am trying more to not fire up easily at them - to be more patient. I am finding that when I am stressed about something or someone I pray more and ask for guidance. Not sure what happens but I usually find a better solution that way.
I can see the wood from the trees now. So no matter how lovely I see someone - I can hear now their message - If they can't give me what I want in a friendship - anything, then I can keep walking. Why can I do this now - and not before. I really don't know. I think the steps I have been taking are allowing me enough head space to comprehend that I have enough other things to attend to. Im one busy lady, and I deserve better.
I am not someones or anyones booty call. I am not their part time comfort. I dont expect a 24/7 friendship but I sure as hell am not on call. I do expect respect and a mutual balanced contribution.
I now am building friendships. Does it matter that ppl reply and like everyone else's fb posts and not mine - nope. It doesn't. In fact - Id much rather walk away from FB. It is empty. I don't need it.
I am currently on holidays and I read a book in 2 days. It was amazing. Im on my second book and already 1/4 of a way through it. So exciting. A big dream come true. I have missed reading. I put it down when I had kids 20 years ago and I took away a really wonderful pleasure that I loved. I am trying every day on holidays to make an effort with my kids to do things, but to also make sure I honour my recovery. I really appreciate it that my kids accept and let me go to my meetings, without hesitation. Even on holidays. They don't understand why, but they get that it is very very important to me.
I appreciate so much in life, this holiday, my home, my family, my loving four legged kids, and my job. I appreciate more than anything my support group and the wonderful, special women that are there for me every day. I have a lot to be grateful for. If I keep taking these baby steps Ill keep growing. And wow what an exciting thing for me this is.