I am someone's Ex. In fact, I am a few peoples 'ex.' And I am a recovering addict. What that equates to is a whole lot of selfish, self seeking behaviour and ego feeding.
'Recovering' means finally being less and less in self and having the ability to feel and think again. It means learning to consider other people's feelings. It means learning to let go, let God.. Let go. Hmm # 1 thing I used to always be deplorable at. It took me 3 years to get over my first boyfriend. Of course I dated in those years and it was messy dating because at the time, I just didn't realise the huge impact of not getting over an ex had on moving forward in a healthy way. The effect not getting over my boyfriend had on my self esteem, my actions and the pain I inflicted.
Because it took me 44 years to see absolutely how vitally important it is to be one with yourself again after a relationship. To build up the reserves of love so that when you are ready to date, you do so with an abundance of love, boundaries and courage. I see now a month isn't enough. A year may not be enough. Grief time is enough.
The big wonderful lesson I have learnt lately is that pain = growth. If you avoid pain, you don't grow. You can numb the pain with medication but its just putting a band-aid on the wound. Rip the band-aid off and embrace the pain. I am going to make mistakes. I am going to make a fool of myself. But I have to learn to let go. I have to take my hands off it and let go ....
What taught me this? Over a decade ago I got a taste of my own medicine. The Ex from HELL! It unnerved me. Really rattled my cage and bought alot of tension into my new relationship. Recently, I needed to learn that not only was it respectful to myself to let go, it as respectful to them. They deserved the right to get on with their own life without me buzzing around. And it is not fair on your new partner if you don't let go.
My ex husband told me 2 years ago - "when I meet someone else, I can't talk to you anymore." I was horrified at the time. "what do you mean you can't be around me or talk to me anymore?, Thats b&^%$ I am not happy about that" He said it wouldn't be fair. 'Who cares' I thought. Because quite honestly, I was just thinking about myself. I was just thinking to feed my needs, and my ego. It was comfortable but selfish. To this day I still derive great comfort from my Ex. He was my best friend, my confidant and he understood me like no one else. He was there for me when I really struggled with the monster in my head. He loved me and supported me. But now our relationship is over and I can't run to him anymore. Now I have to show some compassion. I have to be concious it is not about me and only me. He deserves the right to move on.