And then what happened ..... ? | Day 10

I ended a relationship last week. First world problem. I know I know.... Very self self self. Oh but the tears. Crying like there is no tomorrow. Crying like I was 15 all over again. The moisturiser smells of him. This made him laugh, he loved that. He is never going to be in my bed again . Boo hoo hoo. My dogs just look at me and don't know what to do.The expressions on their faces - priceless.

Breaking up - hardest thing I have done for a long time, child birth not counting ( don't mind the fact that I own my own property and manage it along with a full time job, raised 3 kids on my own, financially supported the 4 of us for 12 years......  yada yada yada) . How do you let go of someone you thought you really liked. Something so new. When there is so much between you yet to be explored and still to discover in each other. Someone that doesn't demand more time than you can give. Someone that doesn't need what you own. Someone secure enough in themselves to not fawn over you.. Someone that gets your full attention.

How do you have someone in your arms, feel so much tenderness and caring and say, "It is over"?

You do it because it is the right thing to do. For yourself and for that person .

Torn loyalties, the need for amends, barriers and other factors didn't give it wings. An older heart is a cautious heart, and when you have been through life and experienced pain, it is hard to feel optimism like a teenager. It is hard to open your heart.  Heck my Dad can do it, but I am a weary Warrior. And a princess that loves affection.

So when you are with someone and they are not ready to give their heart, it is a struggle. You can't go into a relationship half arsed (excuse the French)

So with great reluctance, I got to a point when those oh so mature quotes "If you love someone set them free.../ someday, someone is going to thank you for letting me go...../ a person who truly loves you will never let you go, not matter how hard the situation....../ Letting go of someone dear to you is hard, but holding onto someone who doesn't feel the same is much harder..../ Letting go doesn't mean I don't love you..../sometimes we have to fight for what we love and care about, but sometimes we have to find the strength to let go..../ the hardest part about letting go is finally realising that there wasn't much left to hold on to..... "  really made sense.

You have to stop and think. Shall I choke the hell out of what is clearly not right, right now or do I save what is left. A friendship. I wanted to save the caring and compassion. Am I brave enough ?

And as you know, yes I was. And then I realised I did have love for this man.

And some times love is letting go. And sometimes love is loving yourself more.

So here I am a week later. I am still scared. I am still very very sad. I am letting 20 years of pain come out through tears. Perhaps 30 years of pain, shame and everyone in my life's heartbreak.  But I am really embracing the pain. I am not grabbing something else this time to avoid it. I am letting my children see breaking up isn't just angry, screaming, hating, not forgiving, messy yuck. They have seen me do it the wrong way. Now my children are seeing their mum grieve with as much dignity as she can muster. I want them to see me face the world through this grief. See me get up for work every day and put on a brave face. I don't want them to fear grief. And they are acknowledging it now. The importance of it. And that it is an integral part of life.  I want them to see me get to the light at the end of the tunnel. See me come out triumphant.

So here I am- going through the 5 stages of grief.

Heck I have been in Denial all week. I was wanting to hear happy ever after. I was wanting him to turn around and say - "Anita, I adore you and I want you in my life. Please come back " - reality check. That isn't going to happen. In my dreams haha. I know 100% without a doubt in every bone in my body, it wont happen. I went through Anger, and I am sure it will come up again - I wanted to grab him and shake him and make him hurt like I am hurting. I wanted to tell him he was a cruel and heartless bastard from very early on.  I wanted to hurt everyone I thought was to blame. But I journalled and meditated on that, and I have to keep doing that. Bargaining - well I did that through the relationship... but that doesn't work. Because your soul doesn't settle for it. My soul was in an uproar these last 11 months. It kicked up very early on, it was not content. Thankfully, it reminded Anita, you deserve to be wanted and loved for who you are. Depression - oh shit... not looking forward to that one. I am actually dreading it. I hope it is gentle with me. I've just crawled out of that hole. And finally - Acceptance. It is what it is. One day at at time. Have faith in what is meant to be.

Now I don't doubt for one minute that I will do a few laps on this wheel of grief and I will actively re-do them because I know that there will be something very very pure and powerful at the end of all this.It is going to be tough. Because depression sneaks its ugly head in and tells me everything it can to make me feel lesser than. It tells me he didn't care, he doesn't care now and I am worthless. That is going to be my biggest struggle. Not letting the monster get the better of me through this.

Things to focus on: Step 2 - loving being single for longer than a month. This will lead me to being the woman I always wanted to be. A mature, serene, giving and loving woman with the courage of a lioness.

#breakups #relationship #grief #sayinggoodbye #lettinggo #love #loveyourself #denial #anger # bargaining #depression # acceptance #boyfriend #dontjudgeme

No comments:

Post a Comment