What others do is none of my business.
What others think is none of my business.
What people think of me is none of my business.
When I first heard this, I found it to be confronting. My hackles would go up, I felt offended
I thought - what the hell. That is a bit rude. I didn't understand.
Because I always made it about my business. I always took what others did, what they thought and what they thought about me as something of a negative about me. It all pivoted around me.
But more and more I read that we should not allow what others do impact us personally. Not give them the power. But that also means that we shouldn't let people have the power to make us feel good about ourselves and happy just as much as allow them to make us feel unworthy or sad. It sounds odd - don't give someone the power to make us deeply happy?? Why not ?
Because deeply within us is sacred. Self esteem, self worth, happiness and respect is very very personal and should be passionately protected. It should be derived from within and protected from within.
It is up to us to make sure our cup is full and that no one empties our cup.
But how is that done? How do I protect my cup? The was my question for so many years. How do I not let people impact my moods, my feelings and my thoughts. How do I stop myself from being hurt, feel lesser than and feel excluded or angry.
Like I said, I can't stop how someone else acts, thinks or feels. So I realised I needed to learn to change my perspective.
I needed to learn how to believe in myself. Honour and respect myself. Know what I value. Know what is respect. And know what really truly mattered to me. And that is one, tough journey. Because we all have different keys to our own souls. We all have different remedies. And mine was a difficult one to find.
But finding I am. It started with understanding I was powerless. My life was unmanageable and it was time to stop trying to control - control the need for affirmation and validation. It was time to learn to get it from within, not from the outside. It was hard. For years I struggled. And then one day, the Titanic slowly started to turn. I started to desire reprieve and sanity. I was at the end of my tether and I realised it was a matter of sanity or insanity, life or death. I could no longer go on as I was.
Once that realisation came to me, things changed. The next thing I established was a relationship with a power greater than myself. My invisible friend. My God. And believing that my Higher Power loved me unconditionally, loved my faults, my strength's and weaknesses and my chequered past. Its hard to have a friend you can't see. It relies on belief. That your invisible friend can do for you what you can not do for yourself.
I went from impulsive, drama filled behaviour to more reflective, intuitive, guided actions.
Actions from others generated less re-actions from me. On pausing, I began to hear my intuition and I was humbled by how sound my judgement was once I started to listen. I felt a shift in my maturity and a change in my thought process.
At this time, I was inspired to start a new meeting in my recovery group. What was utterly stunning was the direction and guidance I got. Because it didn't come from anyone in this world. I suddenly had a vision of what I wanted, what was needed, I researched and then I executed it. My HP has walked with me every step of the way.
And a meeting was born. On topics that I knew I needed in my journey of recovery. And hopefully what others needed to. But the information I read on line was to remain focused on what I want and needed for my own recovery future and make that my aim.
And this very task, this ongoing act of service was what got my titanic creaking and really turning.
Because there has been a fundamental shift in me. I feel different, I am thinking different and I am filled with so much hope. And I can feel the momentum building.
What came after that is hard to describe. I started to feel a sense of self value. I started to see my worth. I started to feel less like a victim and more a person with an identity, a wonderful life and a wonderful future.
I saw a woman who had alot. And that I was worth more than what I had been accepting for 44 years.
Because that girl - and I was a girl in my heart and mind, thought Sex was love, sexual attention was value and love. That girl didn't know what real love was, didn't know how to accept a compliment, didn't have boundaries, values, goals, structure and principles. That girl didn't have the ability to feel joy.
So now I take the role of looking after Anita very seriously. Because she deserves to be treated with respect, compassion and love.
It is time that I don't wait for someone to show me respect. It is time I am respect.
How I allow myself to be treated however, is my responsibility.
So how does that work?
Sounds like I need a dead set clear understanding of exactly what my responsibilities are. Of course you would say - Oh come on surely you know what your responsibilities are ?
And of course I would defensively say - I Do !
And up would pop the list, I provide food, shelter and love to my kids. I go to work every day. I feed all my animals, I pay all my bills. I do work around my house. I stay in kinda regular contact with my parents.
But. And I say But. I am learning that there is another layer of responsibilities that I haven't mentioned
The layer I never learnt.
I am responsible for me. For my own sense of worth, self respect, how people treat me. For having courage to set boundaries and enforcing them. Not putting my self in vulnerable positions, having the courage to speak up for me !
Every day is a new experience and a new test. There are days I will walk into situations blindsided but I don't doubt for one minute that I will learn something very valuable at every turn.