Have you ever thought its not a good idea to walk on a broken leg or use a broken arm ?
Not many people function on broken limbs, and if they do, what do we think?
We think - are you crazy ? Are you stupid?
Heal that limb, rest, take time out. Get it fixed.
How many of us end a relationship, walk away with a broken heart, a broken spirit and a broken soul, and the first thing we do is dive straight back into another relationship ?
We all do it (except for the really really smart ones), heck dating websites are full of men and women that are barely out of 10+ years of marriage/relationship hoping to hook up with someone else.
And yet does anyone - anyone say wooah cowboy(girl), hold your horses, that is one damaged organ you got there ( your heart - hello)
And the answer is NO!
No as in, NO.
So what should we do? First we challenge the fear. I think we all have this inert fear about being single. What is single. What does it really mean? Does it mean we are a leper on some deserted island without a soul in sight and we may never talk to a human again? Ah reality...no!
I know when I heard the word SINGLE, my brain used to FREAK OUT. I hear - lonely, sad, uncared for, miserable , unloved, unwanted... blah blah blah. And it scared me. It scared me so much I was too scared to be single.
I got some good advice the other day. I heard it 100x before but the other day it hit the spot. Stop worrying about tomorrow, that will come in good time. Be really really present right now in what you are in. Heard it before - Right? But I really did stop the other day and feel that very moment and it was such a pure, joyful feeling. Because right there and then I was breathing, I was alive, I had hope, freedom and alot to live for. And I actually felt it. Seep through my skin and into my lungs. I breathed it. In and out.
Then other things came to me. I, in fact am actually really happy. I am happy with being myself, not having to modify myself to suit someone else and their expectations. I am happy with being by myself and I am happy doing what I want, every, single day. I am not worried about emotions, I'm not worried about feelings, both mine and someone else's. I am not questioning myself or anyone else's motives. I am simply being. And I like it . I finally realised being single at 45 is a hell of a lot better than being single at 20.
So what are the advantages? Well the whole, OMG OMG I must get married and have children pressure has been taken away. 2 marriages and 3 children - that ship has long ago sailed. The husbands are gone and the children are going going ... nearly gone. I have an awesome job, I have an awesome property, wow 6 acres in the beautiful McLaren Vale wine region. I also have super lovely friends.
So when I remove the fear and face the fact that I am happy, I start to wonder, why I wouldn't want to be single. And then I reflect on the whole meeting someone process. And I realise that there is one big stage I dread and hate.
Is it 1st base ? No I love that. I love that initial curiosity and discovery of another person. The attraction is heightened and it is almost magical and dreamlike. I feel like a goddess, a princess. And my prince is charming, attentive and adoring. So a couple of weeks pass and it slowly gets closer to midnight and the prince is slowly turning into a awkward, inconsistent and emotionally unavailable frog that is really really not getting the importance of communication. And that's the part I HATE !
This separates the boys from the men. Because the men have alot to learn from boys.
I have a son. The gift of having sons is seeing men before they get tainted. They are open and loving and so very very positive. The thing we must all teach our children is to save a bit of their naivety for when they grow up. Save a bit of their heart. And never ever stop learning the art of communication. So many relationships end, fights start, wars start, all because of bad communication. Women expect men to read their minds and men FREAK out when a woman says - hey I like you buddy. Talk it through and the man finds out that his woman would love a shoulder rub for 10 min every few days and the woman is able to reassure the man that I like you means you are lovely to be with and your a great person- that's it. And heck a little bit of throwback -'I like you too' makes her day.
Communicate one sided and the man runs thinking the woman is over the top emotional , needy and crazy. And that is stage 2 and that is where it can end for alot of people. And does.
Stage 3 is love. And its a hard road to love. If you haven't already been pummelled by love you will probably rush in where angels fear to tread. But once bitten, twice bitten, quite simply as much as you will caw caw caw that you love the person, dig their company, think they are the catch of the century, those walls are pretty darn high. And slowly that broken organ starts to show itself. Because invariably, we are in it for the wrong reasons. People aren't balm, contrary to what Disney tries to tell us, Love does not heal a broken heart. Love is healing your own broken heart yourself. Love is top line behaviours. Love is giving yourself lots of rest, feeding yourself delicious and nutritious foods, exercising enjoyably, laughing at anything - your dog, your fish, your bird, yourself. Love is stopping right here, right now and breathing in and out. Smelling the air. Smelling your dogs farts. Laughing, crying and being. Being one with yourself. Reading a book, weeding your garden. Bouncing along on your ride on mower and delighting at the job you have done. That is love. That is healing. And that is happiness.
Do I love a man, or two or three. I sure do. I love one particular man so much and yet, the love I feel for him goes beyond insisting on having him in my life. I would love to have him by my side, on my land. I would love to share everything I have and own with him. But the Gods say no. It is not to be. So I had to take my love and set it free. Because the best thing for this man is to let him go. As much as he loves me and I him and as much as my children adore him, I have to let this man have peace. That is love.
Oh don't get me wrong. ANGER was with me for months, years. Why couldn't he just get his shit together and deal with his demons. But I had to let that go.
Do I like the company of and enjoy other men. I sure do. But that is not love. Its like and it is lovely. Do I have to be in a relationship with them ? Absolutely not. Do I tell them I like them? Of course I do. Does it freak them out . Of course it does. Why ? Because I am me and alot of people don't understand me. My feelings are on my sleeve and it unnerves people. It used to worry me but now it doesn't. You either appreciate it or you don't. Yes I process my confused feelings out loud, but that is me. Yes I say when I am unhappy and confused and that is me. Yes I tell people I really really like them, and that is me. But do I love. No. I am not capable of love right now. Because my heart needs healing. So right now I am enjoying being with me, enjoying the love of my pets, my children , my family and friends. One day I might fall in love again, maybe I wont. But does it worry me? Not really anymore. I had the love of my life. It was Divine, it lit me up. It fulfilled me. Now its time to love myself and I get the feeling its going to be a whole lot more wonderful.