Right under that cloud ....

I used to journal alot as a child and a teenager. And then I stopped.

What I didn't realise was, journal ling was a very healthy thing to do. Writing now with a pen feels like torture. Thank god I can touch type. Because my brain goes a mile a minute.

Sloth time guilt...

Is it just me or do alot of people get an attack of the guilt's because of night time slothing out?

When I get home at night, all I want to do is put on the fire, grab some food and a book and curl up and relax.

That Eeyore cloud

Ah the good life ey. Where you can wake up every day and feel wonderful. You can go to work, be passionate and skilled at your job, interact with work mates in a balanced healthy way.

You go home, prepare a healthy exciting meal for your family and then do something productive and stimulating after dinner. You go to bed, have a great conversation with your partner, have some intimacy, roll over and go to sleep.

You balance life, work, friends and when stress and problems come up, you deal with them all efficiently and with no fuss.

Patting ourselves on the back... do we do it too much?

I was given some food for thought today:

When is self praise too much, I can see how damaging self resentment is, how damaging negative self talk is , but sometimes, healthy people are annoying.

Because I am starting to hear, now that I am listening to less of my own negative self talk, how much people praise themselves. And boy do people think they are wonderful. They think they are better than others, they think they are the best parents, the best woman, so brave, so strong, so smart, so wise, so independent. They think they are such an amazing man, amazing friend, amazing employee. And God help anyone who questions them. Because they aren't really interested in hearing it.

There is always two sides to a story....

Ever gotten upset by what you perceived someone has done or said about you. Heard half the details and you want to go to them and give them what for?

Ever looked at the way someone looks and acts and immediately form an opinion of them? Have you ever stopped to think about their history, their journey and who they really are. Ever been hurt because someone is not talking to you and not smiling at you? You think they don't like you. But it may just be they are busy, distracted. Sad.

Looks don't tell the whole story. Behaviour does not tell the whole story and your reactions are simply your perception. You may react to what you think the other person is thinking . What you think the other person is meaning. They say talk face to face to ensure the message is communicated clearly because sending things in writing will not show the emotion. I am discovering even face to face communication can be just as murky because one mind communicating to the other has a completely different thought process. We are talking different genders, different generations, different emotional feelings. Different intellects. Different nationalities. Different personalities. Different hormones. Different beliefs. So many variables can lead you to misconstrue what the other person is attempting to communicate to you.

Humans and God

Dear Humans,

Something that has been bugging me for a while. And I have to say it. 

Quit blaming GOD for you being an a*&hole

It is not God's fault you want to start wars. It is because you are greedy. It is because you want more oil. It is because you want more land. It is because you want more money. t is because you lack compassion for others, for the earth and for humanity. It is because you are intolerant. It is because you cannot and will not accept that this precious earth is a gift. It is not a right. You do not have a right to own it. And you do not have a right to kill others to own it or take possession of parts of it. Using God as an excuse to kill people is a cowards act. 

Saying goodbye to yesterday

I allowed myself to dwell on what was then.

Who I was then and how do I measure up now. If it was not bad enough to measure myself up against the rest of the world, and to feel I fall short, I also measured myself up against who I was 20 years ago.

20 years younger.

Me then - 24 years old. Living in another country, in a new exciting relationship, a new beautiful baby. I was planning a wedding, making food for my baby- everything she ate was handmade , used cloth nappies and I was so happy I had a little family and this life. This contentment continued for 4 more years, moving countries, 2 more children, making their clothes, crafts, birthday cakes, birthday parties, games. I was the mother I always wanted to be. Bedtime stories, playgroup and the most precious moments- singing to my children every night before they went to sleep.

Fast forward to now and I had let myself fall apart. Let myself believe I am a shell. I am not the woman I thought I would be. I let that contentment slide from my finger tips. I let that warm family life slide away.

I slid into addiction.

Because............... I started with this all, not quite settled in myself. You can't fill a bag with treats if the bag has holes all through it. They will eventually all fall out, and sometimes the weight of them will make bigger holes.
The love, the babies, the family, it was all the most wonderful thing to behold, and I let myself believe I did not deserve it. I let myself sabotage my own happiness.

But this is the whole point of now - and the lesson to learn. Not to dwell on then. Photos and videos of the happy memories are worth keeping, but my goal now is to focus just on today. What can I do today to be a good mum to my children. Re-learn to be there for them, for the people they are now. Hear them, what they love, what they are interested in. Be present, learn mindfulness. Participate in what is important to them and make sure their home provides, comfort warmth and welcome. Help them to understand that I support their goals, their independence and successes. And let them fly without feeling that I am a victim being left behind.

This is going to be my challenge. And I know I will stumble and fall. But I will get up again, and not give up.

Today I have lovely people in my life helping me to learn to live in the moment.  I need to learn to feel the gratitude. To make the most of the tools I have been gifted to do this. Not to dwell on yesterday and not to worry about tomorrow. To breath in the love, friendships, joy and special moments of now. To treasure every moment I have with those I love, the moments with my busy and successful children. To make sure every day they know how much I cherish them for exactly who they are.

So goodbye yesterday, hold on tomorrow because right now I want to take in a deep breath and breathe in today. I want my rub my eyes and look in wonderment at the amazing things that are in my life today, feel them, touch them and enjoy them. Wish me luck. x