December 2015 and it is exciting times.
I am super excited about life as it is now, I am comfortable about not looking back and happy to look forward. I had an epiphany realising the 2 men I dated since my marriage breakup 3 years ago where emotionally damaged alcoholics.
So now I am ready to meet a man who isn't impacted by an addiction.
I can love both of these men for the unique amazing men that they are and walk away without any regrets, a heavy heart and bitterness.
I let them both go whole heartedly with love.
So 2 weeks ago I started on line dating. And what a revelation. There are ALOT of really lovely mis understood men and women out there. The men think the women are nuts and the women think the men only want 1 thing. I hear time and time again, "you sound normal". And it really makes me wonder what the hell is going on out there. Is there honesty, is fear driving people to not be true to themselves and what they honestly want. Do people really understand themselves and respect themselves enough to put out there what they really want and not budge. To maintain boundaries with dignity and respect? The fun thing is I am starting to ask people, what is it you are struggling with, with women. What do you say to them ? At what point do they freak out and go weird? Is it simple misunderstandings ? I find it all a bit fascinating actually.
It has taken alot of growth over the last 3 years to discover a few things about myself. And to be comfortable with it.
1. I find people viewing me and commenting on me from a sexual angle, incredibly dis respectful, insulting and intolerable. And I am happy to disregard them or remove them from contact with no self doubt.
2. I have a youth about me that is obvious to alot of people
3. I am comfortable with my looks, my body and who I am as a person
4. I am alot calmer within my self now and it is apparent to other people. In fact, it is mentioned alot and I am really really happy with it.
5. I have a real sense of calm in what will be will be. I feel no need to chase anything or anyone, just merely to acknowledge enthusiasm and interest.
6. I will not chase friendships. I will make an initial effort and if I don't feel it reciprocated or respected, then I will walk away. With no regrets.
I read my recent post about putting it out there what I want and I know now I will even go to the point of being very honest and clear what my expectations are with any man that "says" they want to spend time with me.
I will not rush into any commitment like I did in the past, I feel no pressure to select only one person immediately and I am happy to meet up with a number of people until I have made my decision. I will not settle with anyone that does not meet all that I have listed on the previous blog. If they really value and want me, then I need to see that.
I do not feel needy, clingy or desperate. I have immense gratitude for all that I have in my life and understand completely that I can not go into a serious time filled relationship. It will take time to thaw out, to give my heart again. Time and trust and alot of warm fuzzy lovely cuddles, laughter and kisses.