Your either an addict - or your not.
You either understand or you don't.
You either know someone who is or you don't.
You either have compassion or you don't.
My blog journey is a tool in my recovery. Because better out than in. What I share, I don't do it to be judged. I don't do it for attention, I do it to free my self from the insanity and hope that what I share, helps someone else.
The other thing, that also really motivates me is seeing my journey and growth in my blog. Because after 44 years, I was getting pretty frustrated. I know I was doing the same things and getting the same results, but the stubborn Taurus in me struggled to change my every day actions.
This last year has been huge for me. I really finally feel like I am making a headway with my mind, my soul and my life.
My first step was to get help. I got to a point last year where I was really struggling. At work, at home and in a relationship. I had run from 2 marriages to 2 more relationships and I was emotionally fried. And the relationship I was in was so incredibly challenging. Life was starting to get just a bit too hard. I was really struggling to get up in the morning. I had hit a wall.
The first thing I did - was I didn't go to work. Then I called the Dr and made an appt that day. I then called my boyfriend. I was honest and told him - I cant do this anymore. I cant cope. I need help - I am going in to see my Dr. The truly wonderful thing that he did, was he was there for me. This is the guy that nearly drove me nuts due to lack of physical contact, affection and emotions. But that day, he dropped everything, drove across town and was there for me. That day he showed a side to me I didn't realise existed in him. He cared.
I then went on to take anti depressants and start CBT - Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. The next big step was to BREAK up from this guy. I know - he cared. But after 11 months - the guy didn't even love me. Time to move on. I've previously talked about this relationship and it really doesn't need any more traction. Hopefully one day I can be friends with him but until my HP has me sorted - he is a no go zone.
That's when all the fun started.
Here's the thing right. I don't cry when I break up. I think maybe I did when I was 18 but now I just move on and find someone else ....
After I broke up with this guy - I was heartbroken. What ? Huh? Heartbroken - ah . Stop right there. This guy was a cutie ( despite other such things) but I think my heart didn't break over him. He was simply the straw that broke the camels back. I was 44 years old and I felt emotionally desolate. I was empty. Barren. Nudda. Nudda to give. And I cried and cried and cried. Don't be sad for me - I had to do it. I have lost some amazing men in my life who weren't right for me, but I needed to mourn.
The next MOST important step for me then was the big T.
Time out. From men, from relationships, from sex. It was time to stop hiding behind a man and to come out from the shadows. It was time to embrace how powerless I was, to build a relationship with my HP and to hand my will and my life over to him.
4 months I toddled along for... doop de doo. OH I thought I was all over it.
Nope. Up popped an old boyfriend, a love addict and bam I flew to him like a moth to a flame. I didn't even crack 24 hours of restraint. I was in like Flynn. It was true love, he was loving , he was affectionate, he loved and adored me and he was so cuddly. Quite the contrast from the guy I just broke up with.
I was delighted. Happiness, feelings, honesty, maturity -
FLAT OUT ADDICTION. I didn't reach out to recovery ppl, I didn't have a sponsor. I was in massive, absolute denial. And in that denial, I went for it. I gave him 100%. He moved over, and we did a month.
Because that's all it took - one month and the addiction reared its ugly head with him.
Don't get me wrong, I had enough recovery in me to know I was making a huge mistake giving away my chance to be single and find myself. Every single day I kicked myself. Damn it. I blew it.
But as soon as the monster reared its head. I moved. I moved fast. I finished it. Done. Over. Dusted hands. I moved super duper fast. I wasn't going to blow this again. My life depended on it.
I needed to find me. I needed to get boundaries, self respect, self worth, passions, interests and personal internal joy.
Exactly 3 months ago today - March 10 he left. That beautiful wonderful gorgeous man that I love very very dearly drove away and I made the most valuable, most important, inspiring decision of my life.
To find Anita.
My previous blog talks about withdrawal and as much as I hated being sick, feeling pathetic and sorry for myself I embraced it all because I knew it was part of the process. And the challenges. Oh the challenges. MY head. My addiction. It wants a man, an obsession, a distraction. It is sneaky every single day. Ring this guy, message that guy, flirt with that guy, over disclose with him. A constant battle to keep these thoughts and actions under check. And I am managing to.
What do I have to do to keep this addiction at bay ? Pray, out reach to my recovery community, write, get busy, interact with my children, get off my bloody phone and social media and be present in my job and my home. Pfft easy you say. Not at all. Its bloody hard.
I have CBT tools to use and I struggle to remember to do them. Once in a while I will fire off a text to a "safe" person only to know instantly its triggering my addiction. Nothing is safe. Nothing I did - I can do any more.
I have to re write behavioural patterns.
So now I feel a shift. Does that mean I can date? HELL NO !
Does that mean I can go near men emotionally? HELL NO !
Does that mean I can have sex? HELL NO !
It means its time to start putting my life back together. It is time to sit down and work out who I am. What I like, who I want to be and what sort of mum and friend I want to be. Then I need to work out what type of friends I want in my life. Firstly its recovery friends. Girls first. Then "normy" friends, and then recovery men friends.
And when I let a man in, I cant get drunk around them. I Need to put firm boundaries in with them. And if they don't show me respect, if they don't value me or my boundaries, then they don't belong in my life.
Its about self care, not hiding under a rock and saying yes to people reaching out to me. It's about finally realising I have alot to offer myself, my children, my family, friends and to life.
It all sounds so simple, but it still is all so incredibly challenging.