The Gift of Withdrawal

There is a list as long as my arm of things that happen to you when you put down addictions - the list of withdrawal.

Previously, I wouldn't have known - because I wasn't very good at putting my addictions down. I liked to keep my hands firmly on the wheel. Didn't do me any good. 

Rolled my car 350 o once - landed back on my tyres, and sure enough - both hands were firmly on the wheel. Suffering to this day with shoulder blade issues.

Maybe that is my phychological malady - maybe if I handed my will and my life over to my Higher Power more, my shoulders might feel better?

So the things I am experiencing are preety text book:

Inexplicable aches and pains (could be because I am 45?)
Physical illness or exhaustion
General Self doubt (that's going fast)
Desire to isolate (winter may have something to do with that - 2 degrees YIKES!)
Obsessive thinking (gotta get that ex out of my head- and put my HP in)

Actually there was more on the 'official' list but I'm on the up and up so I've just scratched all this lot off my list:

A craving to act out (uggh no way !!)
Switch to new addictions ( McD's only lasted a month phew!)
Changes in eating and sleeping patterns (love my sleep nom nom nom)
General self doubt (have it a little bit but getting better- I am starting to realise Im a great person with a hell of a lot to offer myself and friends)
Desperation and fear..... (only that my warm electric blanket will stop working!)
Sadness, depression and despair (walking and outreaching heads that off)
Dreams of acting out (ok I did have one naughty dream, but heck- that's normal right?)
Emotional highs and lows (nope - love that even keel now !)
Irritability, anger and rage ( I love to hand that shit over! No room for drama any more !)
Preoccupation with fantasy (when anything sneaks into my head- I just think of God. Total passion killer!)
Confusion or trouble concentrating ( Ive just read 5 books - slayed it !)
Questioning of interest in my recovery .......

NO WAY - My recovery is the best thing that has happened to me - apart from the birth of my 3 kids. I am so blessed and grateful for it. 

Just looking at and writing this list tonight has made me realise how much I have moved forward in withdrawal.,  I am preety foccused on being 100% there for my kids this year. With one daughter already in Melbourne and the other moving there at the end of this year, I just want to focus on them. Be as present as I can. 

There may be someone in my head right now - my advisors say the guy in my head is not someone that should be there. He is there because my disease is trying to exert itself. Sure I think this ex has alot of qualities but he definitely does not deserve to live rent free in my head .He is way too arrogant for that!

Its nice to have friends and do things, and I am keen to explore female and male friendships and 2015,  in a great head space.

Onwards and upwards.

Nasmaste x

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