It's a bit nuts but ....

23rd MAY 2015

Today I did something my daughter wanted. To go to a beach club while on holidays. I admit I did protest in the morning - can we please only stay for a few hours ?  I felt that longer than that would be a bit much.

Well that was seven hours ago.....  and here we still are. I've read a book, swam, hung with my daughter and pretty much did what I loved.  I could be myself.... Hang with the world, relax and lay on my rock and baste in the sun. Not wallow under my rock.

And now I'm delighted. Because we set out early, we got prime posy in front of the infinity pool with the beach right behind. Lying on deck chairs in the sun, reading, swimming and hanging with strangers lapping up the same luxury of life. 

I've contemplated for ages what will be revealed when I peel back the layers. Who am I ? What do I enjoy ? What types of people do I like?   What things do I like to do in my spare time?

I've learnt this week I love love love riding motor bikes. I love the freedom of it. I love massages. I love being frugal - it makes me appreciate things more. I love reading, I love this new for me concept of reading from an i-pad. I'm an I-pad Virgin. ;)

So there you go. I am starting to enjoy myself :)

Why does the world think a woman NEEDS a man.. the funniest thing I have heard all day

I have just spent the weekend in bed,

AH  I bet you  thought I was with a man. No in fact, I was on my own, well not alone if you count all my fury critters. They are bigger bed hogs then any man will ever be.

No, I was in bed sick AGAIN. Something about relationship withdrawal makes you sick. I dont know why. Because I personally find it to be great NOT to be in a relationship.

This is my first concious UNCOUPLING period since - gosh  in at least 20 years. There are a few loves in those 20 years that I do need to mourn:

Baby steps

So everything has been stripped back and I have fully exposed myself to myself. And what do I see. Hmm.

You have got to be kidding

Remember the saying when you were a child:

When I grow up I want to be ......

I remember when I was younger, child/teenager and I imagined myself as a older woman, I honestly thought I would be one of those serene velvet voiced women that walked through the grass with no shoes on, fingers trailing along in the flowers with a carefree way about her.

Fast forward 30 years and here I am - staring 45 in the face wondering what the hell went wrong. I still think the same confused thoughts I did as an 18 year old. I am still controlled absolutely by my fears and my confusion about who I am, who I am meant to be and wondering if I am ever going to get some peace in my head and soul.

Today I decided to write because a fundamental realisation came into my my mind.

That first week

The last few days are interesting. Here I am yet again, coming away from a attempted relationship and at this stage I am still running. But I have realised I tend to run like I am running from a cage or jail where I feel free and I let all inhibitions go free. What I don't realise is that I tend to just run into another cage. .... it has been my pattern.  I am a chronic love addict.

The Ex-Factor and it isn't as entertaining

I am someone's Ex. In fact, I am a few peoples 'ex.' And I am a recovering addict. What that equates to is a whole lot of selfish, self seeking behaviour and ego feeding.

'Recovering' means finally being less and less in self and having the ability to feel and think again. It means learning to consider other people's feelings. It means learning to let go, let God.. Let go. Hmm # 1 thing I used to always be deplorable at. It took me 3 years to get over my first boyfriend. Of course I dated in those years and it was messy dating because at the time, I just didn't realise the huge impact of not getting over an ex had on moving forward in a healthy way. The effect not getting over my boyfriend had on my self esteem, my actions and the pain I inflicted.

That girl inspires me ...... | Day 11

September 2014

WOW what a good distraction this blog is proving to be. Writing writing writing, that what I have been doing. There is also alot I don't post. Lately it has been heavy ... but that is where my life is at. Swimming through the muck.

Right now amongst all the muck are three little gems ~ Monika Sea, Isabella, and Herbert.